Leo July 23-Aug 22
When we drink, we talk. You don't talk enough, Leo, ipso facto, you need to drink a bit more. August is a good time to take up new habits, so I would suggest you look into the cultivation of a regular Pimm's Cup just after lunch, followed by a Tom Collins just before dinner. This habit will make you more interesting.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
We carry so much secret bitterness within us, Virgo, that when it spills out it can be terrifying, especially to us. Why is it that we are all so angry? Why are we so disappointed by everything? Some say the universe was broken the moment it began. This might be the case.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I tried to warn you, Libra, but you wouldn't listen. You just had to get as close to the edge as possible just so you could "see to the other side." I suppose it's admirable the way you tied yourself to a tree with bungee cord (there is something to be said for foresight), but still, you're such 
an idiot.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's easier than you think, Scorpio, to withdraw from the world. The initial steps might seem difficult—turning off your cell phone, unplugging the television, kidnapping the paperboy—but once the flow of random information is staunched, the brain rapidly relearns the ability to process actual thoughts, to see once again the poetry of existence. It's nice.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
All those old songs we sang together, and the promises we made… Sentimental fools, Sagittarius, blowing smoke and talking smack, raising hell and sleeping rough. Did you actually enjoy any of that? Because honestly, I like being old and comfortable: give me clean socks and a nice chair any day.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Isn't it odd, Capricorn, how some towns—entire towns—can be grumpier than others, as if there really is something in the water? Or maybe it's the result of some historical sin, some distant shame that's been passed down through time, a perpetually diffuse moral stink, like a fart in a movie theater. I'm looking at you, Germantown.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
There's a town in Spain, Aquarius, where it's said at the center of the Plaza del Libertidad sits a fountain from which pours forth a spicy, dry rioja, available to anyone with a jereboam (or smaller). Personally, I would like to move to this town and become an alcoholic. You with me?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I used to think, Pisces, that there wasn't much sadder than a three-legged dog hobbling along in the park, trying to keep up with the other dogs. Now I realize that three-legged dogs are just about the best thing the world has to offer as far as resiliency and the capacity for simple happiness. Maybe it's because I started taking all those drugs.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
White noise. Sometimes it all seems like nothing but white noise, random wave transmissions billowing forth from innumerable soundholes, muddying your thoughts, numbing your will to action. You need a noise sword, Aries, to cut down to the bone and hear yourself.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Renovation is a dirty, ugly business. Uncovering the mistakes and bad decisions of the generation that has gone before serves mainly to show us how futile it is to think we can build something that will last. It's best to just give up now, Taurus, and start collecting abandoned Tumblrs.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Stormy summer we're having, eh Gemini? One second it'll be all sunny and pleasant, the sound of butterflies laughing in the distance, ice cream scoops for everyone, and then the next, a big, bleak wind storm will come along and destroy everything. And the butterflies will never laugh again.

Cancer June 21-July 22
One of the best ways to 
avoid electrocution when you're rewiring an old house is to keep your hands extra dirty. I've found a very good way to do this is to eat a bunch of sticky bbq backribs and then read through a stack of old newspapers—no current is strong enough to get through that, Cancer.