Leo July 23-Aug 22
What is with you people and your obsession with flying squirrels? Look, I know they're cool, but can you please stop naming your start-ups or your bike stores or your coffee-roasting outposts "Flying Squirrel"? Enough, Leo. Leave poor pteromyini alone.

Virgo Aug 23-sep 22
Sadly, money really is the number one reason why marriages don't last. Isn't that a drag? And yes, I realize it's easy enough to say "money can't buy you happiness" but worrying about it all the time certainly doesn't help anyone feel better. So what's the solution, Virgo? Be rich, really.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
"If six turned out to be nine." Man, that has got to be one of the dumbest lines ever written into a rock and roll song, and that's saying a lot. It's a good thing Jimi Hendrix was a good guitar player. Maybe the point here, Libra, is that everyone says dumb things. Or maybe the point is that if you're cool and sexy you'll die at 27. Not sure.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I don't believe in ghosts, Scorpio. But I know some people who do. They're sort of goofy in their need to imbue places with supernatural flavor, as if the majesty and thrill of mere terrestrial existence isn't enough. This, I think, shows a lack of imagination, and an inability to see the world as it is: a wondrous place. Boo!

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
If you have to drive somewhere to get good bread, you're doing it wrong. Did you know that in rural France, the small-town bakeries will deliver to you every second day? It's pretty fabulous to hear the squeaky beep of one of those little Eurotrucks and head down for fresh pastries. You should move to France, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Why are you ignoring me? I tell you to do one thing and you do the other. How's that working out for you? Are you happy? Truly? I don't think you are. Now, I'm not cheap enough to try something so juvenile as reverse psychology on you, but here's some advice, Capricorn: grow your hair out

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
When I was a little kid, I used to ride on the back of my giant St. Bernard/Mastiff/Malamute mix. His name was Odin and he could fight a bear and scare away lost cross-country skiers in under a minute. I miss that dog. Sometimes, Aquarius, I'll dream that I'm riding him to work, or into town on a beer run. Those are 
sweet dreams.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Never apologize, Pisces; it's a sign of weakness. Pretend it didn't happen. Change the subject. Make it seem like you wanted to do it, that it's all a part of your awesome plan. Buy another round and get on with your life. Ignore the tears. Go to the bathroom when the check comes. Basically, be a jerk.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There once was a time when "digging around through your past" was a serious undertaking, when you had to catch trains and make phone calls and search through microfiches. Now, Aries, you can just sit around in your underpants following the Google trail as you randomly search for old friends. It's pretty boring.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Remember when those tacky Oakley sunglasses were really popular? Those were dark days. People were really into pretending that they did things like "mountain bike" and "hike"—people were liars. I look forward, Taurus, to the day when the global climate collapses and we can stop worrying about being outdoorsy.

Gemini May 21-June 20
They're working on the apartment building next door, refinishing the exterior, and there's all kinds of ashy particulate on the tree outside my window, and it's almost like snow. Except it isn't really, Gemini, it's more like the tree has turned gray overnight, like it's gotten very old. Don't get old.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I was told, Cancer, that in Clapham, a London neighborhood, there was some rioting on the high street, and that the looters systematically moved store by store, taking DVD players, computers, cell phones, sneakers...But when they got to the used bookstore, they skipped it. RESPECKT THE BOOK! Kindles, of course, were stolen.