Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Someday you'll look back on this period in your life, Virgo, and not remember what happened. Why? Because you're partying so hard. But keep it up, I say; ignore the Puritans in their stupid hats and ostentatiously dour outfits'tell 'em to suck it! Touching bottom can be good for the soul.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I just bought one of those awesome little robot vacuums that looks like a hubcap and storms around your house sucking up all the awful dust. I call him Wendel and sometimes we'll watch Hollywood Squares together and he'll make hilarious jokes about Bruce Vilanch. Oh how we laugh, Libra.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
The simple pleasures of toast cannot be exhorted enough. Toast! It is warm and crunchy! Toast! It supports our spreads, both sweet and savory! Toast! It partners with itself to create "sandwiches"! Toast! You can hurl it at attacking dogs to distract them! Toast! You can see your future in its burn pattern! (Seriously, Scorpio, take a look...)

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I get really depressed when things are too quiet. I need to have some music playing at all times or else I won't really know what to feel. Am I happy? Sad? Excited? It sort of depends on the next song to come on the radio. The soundtrack is way more important than you think, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
"It's too important to talk about right now" is actually a great way to get out of ever having to talk about anything. "I respect you too much to rush this" also works very well. At least 75 percent of the conversations we have are pretty much useless, Capricorn, so it's good to know how to get out of them.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Tall people, statistically, are more likely to succeed in just about every facet of life, based on just about every metric you can think of. This is why short people are always picking fights in bars'because they realize that in order to get by, they'll have to wound as many tall people as possible. Watch out, Aquarius, for the short.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Cake! Holy crap I could use a piece of cake! With strong black coffee! Is that really too much to ask, Pisces, in this City of Cake we live in? That's right, little known fact: if you scratch the surface of half the buildings in New York, you'll discover they are made of vanilla angel food cake. I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE CRAZY.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Storm's a-coming. Whoo boy. Tie down your deck chairs, lash up your trellises, cinch your antennae cuz a hard rain's gonna fall. Or, to speak less figuratively, I suspect, Aries, you might be in for kind of a crappy week.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
So they have these things called "Thunder Coats," Taurus, for high-anxiety animals in need of rehabilitation. Mainly, I think, they're used for skittish dogs, and basically entail a super-firm, fully snug outer layer that soothes the beast. Man, they really work! I'm wearing one right now! And that's all I'm wearing!

Gemini May 21-June 20
It was so humid the other day, when I threw my rain cape in the air, it took over a minute to come back down. And when it did, it tasted like pea soup. That's thick, Gemini! And you know what else is thick? You, if you think you'll be happy staying in your current situation. Dude, time to break free.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It has become popular, lately, to blame others for our own problems. We see this in the political arena, in the world of celebrities, and even in the "straight-talking" clubhouses of professional sports. Generally, Cancer, I'd say this is bullshit, but in your case, right now, it isn't your fault. You know who to blame...

Leo July 23-Aug 22
People are so fundamentally broken it's staggering. We forget this, all the time. Even the "happiest" among us are filled with doubt, uncertainty, fear'to be aware of the inevitability of one's end is to be a death-row inmate in a perpetual state of dread. Also, Leo, make sure not to wear too much white after Labor Day!