Libra Sept 23-Oct 22 Yup. Pretty sure that was my mom, just then, calling the president a "muslin traitor" in this YouTube compendium of Tea Party gaffes forwarded to me by a politically simpatico friend. Our shrill intractability and capacity for love are playing a dangerous game of chicken, Libra. Better move to Iceland before one of you ruins Thanksgiving.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 Do you ever get bored while on Twitter and reflexively open up a new browser tab so you can check Twitter? Um, me neither, Scorpio, but still, the flags warning of a chemical dependency upon web-based short-term mental stimulus are being thrown up at an alarming rate. Play more cribbage.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 There's nobody knows hard work like a lady's maid. Sure, they don't really still exist (they're called "personal assistants" now) but I've been watching nothing but historical BBC dramas over the last fortnight, and I'm starting to heavily identify with the men and women "downstairs."

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 Just the other day my beloved and I Decided that we hated the world so much—and all those parts of it we see every day—that rather than try to describe to each other the varieties of our discontent, we would merely ring a small bell but once, signaling to ourselves (and the universe at large) our displeasure. AND IT'S WORKING, CAPRICORN.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 I was on the F train and a saxophone player came into the car and started playing "Spanish Harlem." And I had to put my book down and I started sobbing right there, because I couldn't deal with that shit. I still gave him a dollar. Ben E. King is underrated, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 Man, sentient appliances are the worst, eh, Pisces? I thought it'd be all self-toasting bread and self-percolating coffee, like oh hey thank you for my breakfast, my happy glistening dancing machine-friends, but it turns out they become self-aware, and plot to destroy you, just like in that movie.

Aries Mar 21-Apr19 Have you ever thought about opening a pop-up shop? Taking out a short-term lease on a storefront, inviting a few trendsetting bloggers, and offering your political opinions and treasured memories at well below retail prices against a bare white backdrop, the better to build up a buzz around your overall outlook? It could be a great way to "launch" yourself, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20 It's odd to see people on the street who look just like someone you haven't thought of for years, but who you once knew very well. As we age, Taurus, we realize that whole chapters of our lives, which once held so much life, so much possibility, are now mere footnotes in the greater story of us. And fuck, it can be sad, can't it?

Gemini May 21-June 20 You need more banjolele in your life, Gemini. A pleasant, plunking soundtrack to lift your spirits when the agents of unhappiness get too close to home. The thing about banjolele is that it's less ostentatious than the jarring twang of the banjo but it has more gravitas than the tinkly ukulele. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Cancer June 21-July 22 The human capacity to make—and subsequently abet—obviously bad Decisions, Cancer, is a reMarkably evolved trait, the utility of which I still cannot determine. Are we still winnowing out the bad genes? I suppose we should be, if you just take a look around on any given day... Man, are we a failed species?

Leo July 23-Aug 22 Freedom is another word for nothing left to eat, Leo. Empty your fridge, empty your pantry, for if you free yourself from your earthly desires, the world in all its manifold possibilities will reveal itself to you like... like... like the manifold of a car whose hood you've just opened. Manifold. Man-i-fold. Man. I. Fold. Hmm?!?

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 I know you've heard the same things over and over again: eat more apples, comb your hair left to right, don't lick the electric fence, remove the plastic wrap before microwaving... Maybe it's time you just started ignoring every piece of advice you hear, Virgo.