Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Walking is overrated as a form of “exercise,” Scorpio. Two thirds of Americans are obese, and a few morning laps around the mall aren’t going to change that. We need to reinstate the draft (for both sexes, from 18 to 52) and occupy Canada. Not in a violent way, more in a “let’s all go hiking” way. Everybody wins.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Don’t you hate it when you’re listening to your giant music collection on shuffle and the same artist comes on every third song? Especially when you’ve been meaning to purge them from all your playlists, but haven’t had the time… Man, I really fucking hate Leonard Cohen, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Seaside versus mountains: this is one of the great arguments among rich people, Capricorn. “Where should we get our third home?,” they ask, querulously. To which I say, “Fuck rich people.”

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
We go through life, day to harrowing, stressful day, putting up with small, inconvenient irritations that we could, if we actually tried, fix. Seriously, Aquarius, think about it: so often we’d just rather complain about something than actually fix it. Well, I’m saying it’s time to start fixing shit.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Do you get nervous flying in teeny, tiny planes, Pisces? Because you know you shouldn’t, right? That you have more chance of getting hurt reaching for the frozen lemonade at the IGA? You could die at any moment, so try to have a good time.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
So, Aries, what percent are you? Insofar as you’re reading this horoscope, it is likely that you’re some kind of coastal elite fancy-pants, so even though you might actually care about poor people in America, you’re probably not actually one of them. But it’s nice that you’re capable of sympathy.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Have you had a chance to get out of the city, yet, Taurus, to see the leaves? Those bright colors sure are beautiful, aren’t they? Vermillion! Auburn! Aurellian! And you know what they signify? Death! Yay!

Gemini May 21-June 20
Small-town life seems quaint and bucolic for about 15 weeks, Gemini. After that point, once you’ve met and shared small talk with everyone in the surrounding area, it gets pretty excruciatingly dull. I mean, how often can you talk about the weather? Or minorities you met once?

Cancer June 21-JULY 22
The best thing about the coming winter is its promise of quiet. All those chattering, gnattering, chittering insects will finally shut up; along with those caterwauling urchins on the corner stoop who stay up way past their bedtime whooping like pookahs. And you, Cancer, you should shut up, too.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hey, Leo, when’s the last time you put on your bathrobe, nuked up some truffle oil popcorn and sat down with a stack of Busby Berkeley? You owe it to yourself—as holiday madness looms—to carve out some “me time” (by which I mean “you time”). Or you could just go play paintball.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Just like that, Virgo, you look up one day and it’s all different. Your saddle’s cracking, your lariat’s dried out, your hat’s lost it’s shape, and your spurs are dull, dull, dull. But don’t worry, you’ll always have the power of extended metaphor.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know the difference between the trumpet and the flugelhorn? I don’t. But does it really matter, Libra, which one is which when the melody is clear and bright and comes in just so after the second verse and it always brings a smile to your face? Naw, happiness doesn’t really need a name.

Libra Sep 23-Oct 22
So, Libra, big things afoot in downtown New York, dontcha know… How about them kids making a fuss with their signs and their chants and their drums? Frankly, I think a good protest would do you some good. You get some much-needed fresh air, release some frustration by yelling, and maybe, just maybe, you’d make some friends. You need some new friends, dude.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Daytime. An empty room. Some wine spilled on the floor. Tile curling up under the sink. The fridge door is swung open and it is obscene. Upstairs there is shouting. Outside, sirens. Why can’t you move, Scorpio? Why can’t you just bring yourself to some small moment of action? This shit is depressing.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Contrary to what some popular GIFs might tell you, you can’t fix things by adding more cowbell. Forgot your anniversary and threw up on the kitchen table? Cowbell won’t fix that. Embezzled millions from various orphanages? Cowbell won’t fix that. Party a drag? (Ok, cowbell will fix that.) The point, Sagittarius, is that different problems have different solutions.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 9
Ask anybody, Capricorn, and they’ll tell you: I LOVE ME SOME PIZZA. That’s the thing about me, I wear my joy on my sleeve, and my joy includes pizza, ice cream cake and the work of Marisa Tomei. Trouble is, I have no idea what you actually like, because you won’t tell me. Tell me!

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
This may sound crazy, Aquarius, and highly improbable, but that run of good luck you’ve been having lately? It’s going to keep going. I know, I know, why call down the curse of the gods with our paltry mortal hubris, but think about it: you’ve had some pretty bad luck for the last few years, haven’t you? It’s payback time.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Bruce Willis was pretty cool there, for awhile. I’m thinking right around Die Hard II: Die Harder, when he still had a bit of hair and hadn’t resorted to shaving his head and wearing weirdo cornet-player berets. Are you in a cool-window right now, Pisces? If so, make sure you take full advantage.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Life, sad and sadder still. You get to a point, Aries, when your friends start to die. Early on it happens suddenly, without warning. But as the years pass death gives us warnings, and the bad news lingers: an ugly midnight hum from the kitchen, keeping you up at night. Enjoy it while you have it.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Hey, I’m tired of all the Zooey Deschanel bashing that passes for small talk around here. Look, Taurus, she might not be your cup of tea, but damn it she’s got talent: she can carry a tune, she has good comic timing, and she’s not an idiot. Why you gotta be so negative all the time.

Gemini May 21-June 20
We often don’t really get what we deserve, Gemini, whether it be punishment or approbation. Should this impact our behavior, from day to day? Absolutely not. If you get caught worrying about the carrot and the stick, you’re never going to be able to see what’s right in front of you (Cake? It could be cake in front of you).

Cancer June 21-July 22
The first day of the season and hope abounds. You never know, Cancer, this could be the year. Sure, it doesn’t seem likely, but that’s the beauty of it, the game isn’t played on paper and anything can happen. This is why we like sports: because for all the stage-managed pomp and excess, it’s still just people locked in agon. Go, Leafs, go!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Dancing will solve whatever problem you think you have, Leo. Seriously, none of your worldly concerns amount to much in the face of an appropriately strident tango. Your sulky face is meaningless when there are foxes to trot. Go on, churn some butter, do the rhumba, whatever. Just dance, you fool.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
“Those who can’t do, teach.” Remember when people used to use that as a way of dismissing someone, or denigrating them? Well guess what, Virgo? Not very many people can simply “do.” Most of the successful arts professionals in this very city have teaching gigs on the side, to pay for their “art” habit. So, yeah. Quit poking fun at teachers.