Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Walking is overrated as a form of “exercise,” Scorpio. Two thirds of Americans are obese, and a few morning laps around the mall aren’t going to change that. We need to reinstate the draft (for both sexes, from 18 to 52) and occupy Canada. Not in a violent way, more in a “let’s all go hiking” way. Everybody wins.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Don’t you hate it when you’re listening to your giant music collection on shuffle and the same artist comes on every third song? Especially when you’ve been meaning to purge them from all your playlists, but haven’t had the time… Man, I really fucking hate Leonard Cohen, Sagittarius.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Seaside versus mountains: this is one of the great arguments among rich people, Capricorn. “Where should we get our third home?,” they ask, querulously. To which I say, “Fuck rich people.”
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
We go through life, day to harrowing, stressful day, putting up with small, inconvenient irritations that we could, if we actually tried, fix. Seriously, Aquarius, think about it: so often we’d just rather complain about something than actually fix it. Well, I’m saying it’s time to start fixing shit.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Do you get nervous flying in teeny, tiny planes, Pisces? Because you know you shouldn’t, right? That you have more chance of getting hurt reaching for the frozen lemonade at the IGA? You could die at any moment, so try to have a good time.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
So, Aries, what percent are you? Insofar as you’re reading this horoscope, it is likely that you’re some kind of coastal elite fancy-pants, so even though you might actually care about poor people in America, you’re probably not actually one of them. But it’s nice that you’re capable of sympathy.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Have you had a chance to get out of the city, yet, Taurus, to see the leaves? Those bright colors sure are beautiful, aren’t they? Vermillion! Auburn! Aurellian! And you know what they signify? Death! Yay!
Gemini May 21-June 20
Small-town life seems quaint and bucolic for about 15 weeks, Gemini. After that point, once you’ve met and shared small talk with everyone in the surrounding area, it gets pretty excruciatingly dull. I mean, how often can you talk about the weather? Or minorities you met once?
Cancer June 21-JULY 22
The best thing about the coming winter is its promise of quiet. All those chattering, gnattering, chittering insects will finally shut up; along with those caterwauling urchins on the corner stoop who stay up way past their bedtime whooping like pookahs. And you, Cancer, you should shut up, too.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hey, Leo, when’s the last time you put on your bathrobe, nuked up some truffle oil popcorn and sat down with a stack of Busby Berkeley? You owe it to yourself—as holiday madness looms—to carve out some “me time” (by which I mean “you time”). Or you could just go play paintball.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Just like that, Virgo, you look up one day and it’s all different. Your saddle’s cracking, your lariat’s dried out, your hat’s lost it’s shape, and your spurs are dull, dull, dull. But don’t worry, you’ll always have the power of extended metaphor.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know the difference between the trumpet and the flugelhorn? I don’t. But does it really matter, Libra, which one is which when the melody is clear and bright and comes in just so after the second verse and it always brings a smile to your face? Naw, happiness doesn’t really need a name.