Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year, and I’ve been thinking of mixing it up a little: instead of a turkey, a Cornish game hen. Instead of candied yams, peanut M&Ms. Instead of pumpkin pie, Greco-Roman wrestling. Tradition reflects meaning onto our deviance, Sagittarius.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 “Can I get a mic check, Capricorn? My Czech! Who’s Czech? Can we get the check, please? Whose streets? My socks! Your socks? This is what the moccasin looks like!” Sometimes, Capricorn, people don’t understand what you’re saying.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 Soil erosion may just be the single biggest threat to the American Empire as we know it, Aquarius. Soil everywhere is fleeing this once-great nation of ours for distant shores, and the perceived opportunities they present. What’s worse, is that foreign soil is blowing its way across our borders! (It’s not what it sounds like.)
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 There comes a time for every great social movement to cross a bridge. Sometimes that movement needs to cross the bridge on the footpath, and sometimes it needs to cross by the roadway. It’s nice, Pisces, when organized labor agrees to get arrested on the roadway, so you don’t have to.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Turns out that what doesn’t kill us doesn’t really make us stronger: Brain development in babies is all about the comforting, yo, and just because a wailing child left alone eventually stops wailing doesn’t mean it’s not messed up. Stress hormones, Aries, they fuck us up.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Ok, look, so I didn’t head down to Occupy Wall Street to offer myself up as a sacrifical arrestee: you see, Taurus, I’m a foreigner, and if I get arrested, that could jeopardize my time in your beautiful country, reading the firmament from my Montauk aerie. You wouldn’t want that, would you?
Gemini May 21-JUne 20
Do you I need to explain to you again the difference between style and fashion? Ok: the former ignores trends, the latter creates them. Got it? Ok, how about morals vs. ethics? Well, umm, yeah, ok… the former… uh… Just don’t shit where you eat, Gemini.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Mao wrote poetry, Hitler painted, Kim Jong-il ghost-directed several of North Korea’s most iconic films. Artists and autocrats share a desire to impose themselves on the world, Cancer—or perhaps everyone does, and they’re just better at it. All I’m saying is, there are worse things than being too self-doubting to ever finish your novel. Like: genocide. That would be worse.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
I was lying back on the dentist’s chair, bleeding from my gums as usual, when the special medical-office easy-listening station began to play the Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me.” And sure enough, the hygienist began humming along, scraping the plaque off my teeth to the rhythm of the music. There’s never a bad time for synth-pop, Leo.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Everyone always be trying to get out of jury duty, Virgo, as if two out of every three successful marriages didn’t begin with the couple meeting on a jury, and disagreeing over the verdict so vehemently it could only be love. (Usually in this scenario the defendant turns out to be innocent.)
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Virtue is not something easily quantified: there are no tablespoons of truthfulness, no kilos of kindness, no megajoules of magnanimity. No, Libra, virtue can only be measured through self-reporting, much like the Nielsen ratings.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
A woman shielded her child’s eyes, a grown man fainted, and the manager strode angrily towards me as I stood, shirtless, drenched in sweat, tears, and residual hot sauce from the 100 wings I’d just consumed—in under five minutes! I’ll probably never be allowed back inside T.G.I. Friday’s, but did you see that waitress, Scorpio? She was totally impressed, right?