Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
So what’s up with dark matter, these days, Sagittarius? Have they figured out how to harness its power for better cell phone coverage, yet? Think about it: dark matter comprises something like 75 percent of the mass of the universe, and for all we can tell it just flows through us every day, invisible, omnipresent… Powerful?
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I think it’s about time you went downtown, Capricorn, and occupied yourself. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Actually, no, I don’t mean masturbation, I’m talking about taking over that part of your persona that craves short-term gain over long-term prosperity. Or maybe I do mean masturbation.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Sitting on a steamboat, drifting across a giant manmade lake in the middle of Utah, drinking a glass of red wine. You wonder how you got here, Aquarius, because frankly, you’ve been so drunk for the last three months, there’s no way you’ll remember. So, the moral? Sometimes a good bender yields results.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Old dudes in locker rooms seem to have no problem just strutting around naked, wangling everything for all to see, whereas younger guys seem to be way more nervous about public nudity. I have no idea where I’m going with this, Pisces, so have a good week.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Sleep deprivation can be all shits and giggles and yawping at the sunrise until somebody starts to see spiders on their hands. And I’m not just talking about a couple of tiny arachnids on your index finger, I’m talking about teeming, hairy masses. Get some sleep, Aries.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Honestly, Taurus, if at this point in your life you haven’t figured out if you’re a mountain person or an ocean person, you’re neither. So what are you? A pampas person? A savannah type? A high plains dude? We are products of our environment, so you should probably find yours.
Gemini May 21-June 20
I dreamt last night you woke up in the middle of Wyoming, surrounded by pink wolves. You weren’t scared, Gemini, you were talking to them all in the Wolf tongue, and you turned to me and said: “They want me to join them.” And to that, I said, “Go.” And you did.
Cancer June 21-July 22
It sounds counterintuitive, Cancer, but I feel like you should consider a New Year’s road trip. There is no better way to get in touch with one’s inner self than to be fishtailing on black ice ten miles outside of Peoria the day before New Year’s Eve with a trunk full of off-brand vodka.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
Is it possible to live life without a soundtrack, Leo? How would we know when to cry, or when to laugh? Or when to make the sexy eyes at a room full of our parents’ friends? The right song is like a little instructional manual: you just have to make sure you’re listening.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Stop saying “holidays,” Virgo. Please. Just say Christmas or Hannukah or Divali or Festivus or whatever. There might not be a War on Christmas, but there certainly is a war on the richness and specificity of language. More speech, not less.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Did you know there are dozens of decommissioned underground nuclear bunkers all across the Great West? And they’re for sale to you and I, to live in? Holy shit, Libra. Do you want to go in with me on an atom-bomb hovel? WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO USE SUNSCREEN.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Give me land, lots of land and the starry skies above, Scorpio, don’t fence me in. Look, your country is crazy, and terrifying, and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I don’t even think you quite get it, having grown up here. Just trust me, you have everything to learn right here in your own backyard.