Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
My Great Uncle Torqvist sailed an actual iceberg from the tip of Haugesund all the way to Aberdeen. He almost didn’t make it, though, as the little toaster oven he had for English muffins failed to shut itself off one night, and when he woke up it had melted a tunnel clear down to the waterline. Man, English muffins are delicious, Capricorn.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Have you considered taking the entire month of February off work and setting up a yurt in the Ozarks? ‘Cause seriously, dude, you need some daily purpose other than updating your Friendster profile. It’s pretty obvious, Aquarius, that you’re drifting a bit, that life is passing you by. In a word, it’s time to PANIC.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I found myself in the middle of a particularly invigorating game of craps in Brooklyn Heights, when who should stroll by but the one and only Paul Giamatti. I yelled out to him about how terrible Lady in the Water was, but he ignored me. So then I threw the dice at him. I missed, but rolled an 11 and won $300. That was a good day, Pisces.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Tidbits. Terrible word. You just can’t be a bona fide evil villain and use the word. Check this out: “We are going to kill you and your family one tidbit at a time.” “Really? Hahaha. Sure.” See? So yeah, Aries, clean up your vocabulary before you plan on kidnapping any tourists.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Some people are just so fucking slow. Walking behind them on the street, or in the mall, or up the steps of the state court house, and I WANT TO KILL THEM. But then I decide not to, because that would mean going to jail and I hear it’s real slow in there. You ever done time, Taurus?
Gemini May 21-June 20
When’s the last time you were in a good snowball fight, Gemini? A real bracing red-cheeked war with the boys from the next block? Because I’m telling you, it’s what you need; I think your life has gotten a little staid. What I’m saying is… I think you’re dull.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Tighter sweaters, Cancer, tighter sweaters for everyone: men, women, girls, boys. Tighter sweaters keep us warm and make us feel sexy. Baggy sweaters make the baby Jebus cry. So take your poofy sweaters and get them wet and put them in the drier. And then they will be tight!
Leo July 23-Aug 22
Hunger strike! It normally sounds so serious, but did you know it can also be fun? Try it. Start with breakfast: hunger strike! Then lunch: hunger strike! Tea time? Hunger strike! Dinner: hunger strike! Midnight snack: hunger strike! Keep going, Leo, and you’ll be righteous and slim.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Let the sun shine in, Virgo. Tear those old show posters off your windows, roll up the blinds… dude, seriously, you are not a vampire. Just because you want to French kiss with high school werewolves all the time does not automatically make you a creature of the night. It just means you need to see a therapist.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
So there actually was a Norwegian resistance movement during WWII. Yes, the country that gave us the word “quisling,” and pretty much welcomed the Nazis with open arms, did have enough brave souls to mount a pushback against the German aggressors. The point, Libra? You might surprise yourself if you try.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Some days just suck, huh, Scorpio? Everyone wants something from you and your back hurts and you have heartburn and the rent is due and you realize the films of Jim Jarmusch aren’t as good as you remember them to be… Where do you turn? I turn to drugs.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Any plans for Burns Night, Sagittarius? Of course not, nobody cares about Scotland. What about the Feast of St. David? Naw, Wales sucks, too. You know what doesn’t suck? The Canary Islands. Do they have a celebration day? You should host an ironic Canary Islands party at a local bar. That would be cool.