Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Do you remember that old SCTV skit, about The Catcher in the Rye, except it was about a discount brand of rye whiskey selling collectible catcher figurines, embalmed in the booze? They had all the greats: Gary Carter, Carlton Fisk, Darrell Porter… That was a great fucking show, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Oh gloomy youth, in your hoodies and your trench coats, with your mossy facial hair and bird-pecked skin…Why are you so glum? Do you not feel the warmthx of the sun on your face, hear the gentle wind move through the trees? Why, Pisces, do you insist on quoting Jim Morrison? Please stop.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Where the hell is winter, Aries? Just the other day I was sitting in my antique, Prohibition-era Saratoga bath chair, and a mosquito landed right there on my prosthetic knee… in January! Poor little bugger kept trying to draw blood and came away with nothing but sawdust. So, uh, careful where you sting.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Water looks choppy, Taurus. Seriously, I think a storm’s coming. Can you smell it? That’s the smell of frightened fish. Have you ever been stuck beside an anxious fish on a transatlantic flight? It really sucks. Also, it stinks. Open yourself up to the surreal, and you’ll be happier.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Dudes be dudes, Gemini, and bros be bros. By which I mean the modern American male under the age of 30 continues to baffle and appall me. How is he simultaneously so jejeune and so assertive about his entitlement to all the world’s opportunities? I’m pretty sure it’s all the Dr. Pepper he drinks.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It is my sincere hope, Cancer, that the thing we now think of as “college” will have receded into the mists of irrelevancy within the space of the next generation. Call me a bio-evolutionary determinist-elitist, but it doesn’t make sense to tell every single one of our children they should be aiming at a college degree. It’s all such a waste of money…

Leo July 23-Aug 22
You can hear the distant tinny din of bubblegum hip-hop coming from a grimy pair of earbuds somewhere at the head of the car. An obese version of Kurt Vonnegut snores like an old steel fan three seats behind and to your left. A mother stage-whispers anxiously to her daughter about the perils of Canal Street. You, Leo, are taking the train into the city…

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The more we endeavor to measure something, the less we see it in the whole. Hard analysis is an atomizing gesture, a reductionist way of asserting control over that which cannot truly be controlled. Ok, look. I’m sorry I ate the larger slice of pizza, Virgo, but do you have to be such a dick about it?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Do you know yourself, Libra, when things go terribly wrong? Do you go cold and calm, seeing the world through an ice-blue tint, moving clinically to correct things? Or do you erupt in hot plumes of panic, making things worse? It’s important to figure out which, before it’s too late.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Honestly, I think this is going to be a very good year for you, Scorpio. It’s about time you caught a couple breaks, about time things fell into place. I would never suggest that there’s any kind of balance in the universe, any kind of justice… But holy shit, you are due.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Sleet is a horrible, indeterminate thing: not quite pretty snow, not quite soothing rain… just, sleet. Even the word is ugly, like a derelict Yorkshire mining town, filled now with naught but the infirm and dissolute, always cold, always gray. Stay away from the village of Sleet, Sagittarius. Stay away.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
It is an odd and painful thing, Capricorn, how we are now able to observe someone unspooling into performative madness online, as they post, spam and tweet the details of their derangements for all to see. I don’t really like it, honestly. So, yeah, can you stop harassing me?