Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Let’s go down by the riverside and have ourselves a picnic. We’ll bring a big bottle of rosé and we’ll tie it to a tree and let it chill in the flowing water. And we’ll pick blueberries and eat them with cream. And then, Aries, we’ll play Skyrim till our ears bleed.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Hey, Taurus, do you know anything about high frequency trading? It’s basically computers buying and selling massive amounts of stocks, extremely quickly, for huge (most of the time) profits. With that in mind, I think I’m going to turn this column over to my iMac.

Gemini May 21-June 20
This is what my iMac thinks of your future, Gemini: “You may or may not endure some particularly bad hardships over the next two weeks. It is very important that you try to be a good person throughout, whatever the case. Because good people are important. 404 error, did not read.” You’re welcome.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I knew a spoonman, once, who carried the tools of his trade in a velvet box, right next to his pearl-handled Colt. His name was Wendy and he was the best I’d ever seen… He got a job out west, administrative work at a medical marijuana farm. Every now and then he’ll pull out the spoons in the middle of the night, and gorge on ice cream. Take care of your dreams, Cancer, don’t lose them.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I’ll see you on the roof, Leo: two of us will go up, and only one of us is coming down. Pretty intimidating, right? (What I actually mean is that one of us will have to go down at some point and get the beer out of the fridge when it’s chilled. So, yeah, cooperation!)

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
There’re always about three nice spring days that I fully enjoy before experiencing that first moment of “oh god it’s hot and there’s sweat dripping down my back.” Ugh. Always crossing to the shady side, slipping into the sex shop for a quick blast of AC. Summer in New York, again. But those were some nice days, right Virgo?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It’s seed planting time, yeehaw! Get your seeds ready, your heirloom brumbywort and antique thistlemottle! Oh to bite into a ripe, delicious mizzleberry, the sugargrass between your toes… Spring makes us all crazy, Libra. Go be crazy in the garden.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
You know who are really good at shoplifting, Scorpio? One-year-olds. They cruise around down there in their strollers, under everyone’s radar, just filling their conveyances with all manner of bottom-shelf bounty. It’s a fucking epidemic, babytheft. Are you brave enough to say something?

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I just drank a chocolate milkshake right out of the garbage. Well, it was in a sealed bottled, and it was a “milkshake drink,” but you get my drift. Have you ever noticed how much food gets thrown out in New York City? It’s a staggering waste, Sagittarius. My main point, though, is that chocolate is delicious.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I just watched a totally radballz video of Christian Hosoi and a bunch of other old-schoolers skating through Manhattan in 1985. I’m not sure what this says about your future, Capricorn, but your past was awesome.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It’s soon time for me to start training the next generation of astrologers. You see, in order to truly understand the secrets of the firmament, you have to start very young—it’s like learning how to waterski, obviously. So, Aquarius, I’m off to my sidereal dojo, with orange slices and Nutella. Bye!

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I have this vision of Mozambique in the 1970s: sitting at a beachside bar in the middle of the night, staring out across the ocean to dark and distant Madagacar, my dashiki damp from the day’s exertions at the Bourse… More plantains, Pisces?

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Somewhere beyond the sea there sits an island. And on this island is a tiki bar in which you’ll find a wise old Finn sipping a Pimm’s Cup, doing the Figaro crossword. If you asked this Finn, Aries, what lay in store for you, he’d give you five words: “I have no fucking idea.”

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
I fall to pieces each time one of those John Deere commercials comes on the tee-vee and I can smell the freshly cut grass back at the Iroquois Park Athletic Complex where Shannon Bolton used to referee boys soccer and we’d all try to hit the passing freight trains with our (soccer) balls. I’m crying right now, Taurus!

Gemini May 21-June 20
You don’t seem to really be listening to what I’m telling you, Gemini. For years now I’ve been busting my hump with this shit trying to straighten you out—and it honestly doesn’t seem like anything’s getting through to you. Here’s a tip: take charge of your life before it’s over. Fucking hell.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I’ve never met anyone who’s actually gone white-water rafting. I see it in television commercials all the time, fun-filled narratives of young post-collegiate professionals living life to its fullest, smiling away the bitter emptiness inside. I repudiate this narrative, Cancer, and say, “Hey, meet me in the bar.”

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Give me the love of a hard-working cattle dog any day. When times are tough and you need a friend, that cattle dog will be there. If you’ve lost your brumby and you’re tits-high in a chazwhuzzle bog, that cattle dog will be there. And if you find yourself stuck touring with Midnight Oil, yup, Leo, that cattle dog will be there.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
I used to sit in my room for hours, Virgo, just playing away on my bass mandolin, singing songs about Big Macs and Suzuki minibikes. And then I’d throw on my ass-less pashmina, go up to the roof, and barbeque an egg. I was free then. Were you?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Just when we think we are damned, ruined for this life, finished, down floats a mote of light, illuminating the possibility of hope. And so we dig ourselves up from the trash-strewn gutter, shake off the feculent webs of failure, and stroll on over to Dairy Queen. “Because it takes time to truly give up.”

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Rye and ginger, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Rye and ginger, I love you, and think you are the best. Rye and ginger, you’re so smart you never fail your tests. Rye and ginger, I’m so drunk, so thanks a lot for that. Rye and ginger, you’re going to make me fat. Rye and ginger! Thank you.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Rooms are happier when they have mobiles of swallows in them. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure this is indisputable. Also, have you ever noticed that swallows spelled backwards is swollaws, which almost sounds like “swallows”? Makes you think, huh Sagittarius?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
The world is one big jerkstore. And guess what? Jerks are half off today. That’s why you see so many jerks everywhere. To wit, Capricorn, you’ve been acting like a jerk these days (and no, just because you warn everyone about how you’re lately predisposed to jerky behavior doesn’t get you off the hook). I’m a jerk, too, I think.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Sometimes, dear Aquarius, we just have to let it all go and become silly. We need to laugh at fart jokes until milk comes out our ears. We need to throw fruit at the wall and set fire to the mini-putt course. If we forget what it is to be a first-class jackass, then the terrorists have won.