Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Somewhere beyond the sea there sits an island. And on this island is a tiki bar in which you’ll find a wise old Finn sipping a Pimm’s Cup, doing the Figaro crossword. If you asked this Finn, Aries, what lay in store for you, he’d give you five words: “I have no fucking idea.”
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
I fall to pieces each time one of those John Deere commercials comes on the tee-vee and I can smell the freshly cut grass back at the Iroquois Park Athletic Complex where Shannon Bolton used to referee boys soccer and we’d all try to hit the passing freight trains with our (soccer) balls. I’m crying right now, Taurus!
Gemini May 21-June 20
You don’t seem to really be listening to what I’m telling you, Gemini. For years now I’ve been busting my hump with this shit trying to straighten you out—and it honestly doesn’t seem like anything’s getting through to you. Here’s a tip: take charge of your life before it’s over. Fucking hell.
Cancer June 21-July 22
I’ve never met anyone who’s actually gone white-water rafting. I see it in television commercials all the time, fun-filled narratives of young post-collegiate professionals living life to its fullest, smiling away the bitter emptiness inside. I repudiate this narrative, Cancer, and say, “Hey, meet me in the bar.”
Leo July 23-Aug 22
Give me the love of a hard-working cattle dog any day. When times are tough and you need a friend, that cattle dog will be there. If you’ve lost your brumby and you’re tits-high in a chazwhuzzle bog, that cattle dog will be there. And if you find yourself stuck touring with Midnight Oil, yup, Leo, that cattle dog will be there.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
I used to sit in my room for hours, Virgo, just playing away on my bass mandolin, singing songs about Big Macs and Suzuki minibikes. And then I’d throw on my ass-less pashmina, go up to the roof, and barbeque an egg. I was free then. Were you?
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Just when we think we are damned, ruined for this life, finished, down floats a mote of light, illuminating the possibility of hope. And so we dig ourselves up from the trash-strewn gutter, shake off the feculent webs of failure, and stroll on over to Dairy Queen. “Because it takes time to truly give up.”
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Rye and ginger, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Rye and ginger, I love you, and think you are the best. Rye and ginger, you’re so smart you never fail your tests. Rye and ginger, I’m so drunk, so thanks a lot for that. Rye and ginger, you’re going to make me fat. Rye and ginger! Thank you.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Rooms are happier when they have mobiles of swallows in them. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure this is indisputable. Also, have you ever noticed that swallows spelled backwards is swollaws, which almost sounds like “swallows”? Makes you think, huh Sagittarius?
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
The world is one big jerkstore. And guess what? Jerks are half off today. That’s why you see so many jerks everywhere. To wit, Capricorn, you’ve been acting like a jerk these days (and no, just because you warn everyone about how you’re lately predisposed to jerky behavior doesn’t get you off the hook). I’m a jerk, too, I think.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Sometimes, dear Aquarius, we just have to let it all go and become silly. We need to laugh at fart jokes until milk comes out our ears. We need to throw fruit at the wall and set fire to the mini-putt course. If we forget what it is to be a first-class jackass, then the terrorists have won.