Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Let’s go down by the riverside and have ourselves a picnic. We’ll bring a big bottle of rosé and we’ll tie it to a tree and let it chill in the flowing water. And we’ll pick blueberries and eat them with cream. And then, Aries, we’ll play Skyrim till our ears bleed.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Hey, Taurus, do you know anything about high frequency trading? It’s basically computers buying and selling massive amounts of stocks, extremely quickly, for huge (most of the time) profits. With that in mind, I think I’m going to turn this column over to my iMac.
Gemini May 21-June 20
This is what my iMac thinks of your future, Gemini: “You may or may not endure some particularly bad hardships over the next two weeks. It is very important that you try to be a good person throughout, whatever the case. Because good people are important. 404 error, did not read.” You’re welcome.
Cancer June 21-July 22
I knew a spoonman, once, who carried the tools of his trade in a velvet box, right next to his pearl-handled Colt. His name was Wendy and he was the best I’d ever seen… He got a job out west, administrative work at a medical marijuana farm. Every now and then he’ll pull out the spoons in the middle of the night, and gorge on ice cream. Take care of your dreams, Cancer, don’t lose them.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
I’ll see you on the roof, Leo: two of us will go up, and only one of us is coming down. Pretty intimidating, right? (What I actually mean is that one of us will have to go down at some point and get the beer out of the fridge when it’s chilled. So, yeah, cooperation!)
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
There’re always about three nice spring days that I fully enjoy before experiencing that first moment of “oh god it’s hot and there’s sweat dripping down my back.” Ugh. Always crossing to the shady side, slipping into the sex shop for a quick blast of AC. Summer in New York, again. But those were some nice days, right Virgo?
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It’s seed planting time, yeehaw! Get your seeds ready, your heirloom brumbywort and antique thistlemottle! Oh to bite into a ripe, delicious mizzleberry, the sugargrass between your toes… Spring makes us all crazy, Libra. Go be crazy in the garden.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
You know who are really good at shoplifting, Scorpio? One-year-olds. They cruise around down there in their strollers, under everyone’s radar, just filling their conveyances with all manner of bottom-shelf bounty. It’s a fucking epidemic, babytheft. Are you brave enough to say something?
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I just drank a chocolate milkshake right out of the garbage. Well, it was in a sealed bottled, and it was a “milkshake drink,” but you get my drift. Have you ever noticed how much food gets thrown out in New York City? It’s a staggering waste, Sagittarius. My main point, though, is that chocolate is delicious.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I just watched a totally radballz video of Christian Hosoi and a bunch of other old-schoolers skating through Manhattan in 1985. I’m not sure what this says about your future, Capricorn, but your past was awesome.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It’s soon time for me to start training the next generation of astrologers. You see, in order to truly understand the secrets of the firmament, you have to start very young—it’s like learning how to waterski, obviously. So, Aquarius, I’m off to my sidereal dojo, with orange slices and Nutella. Bye!
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I have this vision of Mozambique in the 1970s: sitting at a beachside bar in the middle of the night, staring out across the ocean to dark and distant Madagacar, my dashiki damp from the day’s exertions at the Bourse… More plantains, Pisces?