Taurus Apr 20-May 20
I’ve always liked those weirdo houses that keep their Christmas decorations up all year round. There’s a certain bent gaiety to it that the world could most certainly use more of. But what I don’t like, are the year-round Halloween decorations—that’s rank paganism, Taurus, and I won’t stand for it.

Gemini May 21-June 20
If you had to choose, would you live in the headwaters of the Orinoco, amid the Warao Indians, or on the northern tip of Baffin Island, amid the Uqalurait? It’s pretty important that you choose RIGHT NOW between the unforgiving claustrophobia of the rain forest and the dislocating vastness of the tundra. Have you made your choice yet, Gemini? Good.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I recently bought a punt on CoolOldPunts.com. My punt is a nice faded heather and has a needlepoint cushion upon which appear the faces of the Two Ronnies, one per cheek. My punt also came with a long punting poll made from the finest Yorkshire mahogany. Would you like to go punting with me, Cancer?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
It’s always better to have one person in charge. I don’t care how warm and fuzzy you feel about consensus and committee, Leo, they never fucking work. Is it really better to have everyone involved in a project unhappily compromising? The answer is no. Autocracy for the win!

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Picture it: an army of puffins, trained to do your bidding, expert in all things, from picnic packing to extreme rappelling. You just have to want it bad enough, Virgo, and buy a lot of kelp treats. But as in all things, you will be tempted to use your power for evil, mainly by rogue narwhals. Ignore them.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I’ve been hounded by the same alumni representative from Lappland Astrological and Phrenological College for the last decade. Her name is Karl and she’s relentless. So, Karl, if you’re reading this, I am not going to make any donations toward the Jasper Kindl Reindeer Rehabilitation Lounge and Shooting Range. Sometimes you need to use whatever platform you can, Libra.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I made a pretty terrible Freudian slip the other day, Scorpio. I was at the Annual Astrologer’s Crystal Ball, giving the keynote speech on Romantic Futures, when I said “vagina party” instead of “virginal blandishments.” The bastards booed me off the stage.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
It’s very, very strange to see old friends suddenly become famous, isn’t it Sagittarius? But instead of defacing their portraits with gallons of glitter juice, maybe you should turn that energy into improving your own prospects of fame. Maybe you should ask, “Where did I go wrong?”

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
People sure do get funny about money, don’t they Capricorn? No matter how close the relationship, or how well we think we know someone, you can never be certain how they’ll handle large sums. My point here is that you need to get everything in writing, lest your cousin spend your entire inheritance on gummy bears.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
When is a phenom no longer a phenom? At what age does precocity metastasize into preciousness? I suppose it’s different for each discipline: nobody cares about an 18-year-old soccer star anymore, but an 18-year-old novelist… Wow! My point here is that you’re really old.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Science is very close to allowing us to be invisible (in dimly lit places). With this new-found power, I am going to sneak into art museums and clear my throat behind people as they stare pretentiously at paintings. You see, Pisces, with great power, comes great opportunity for messing with people.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Burger King, Pepsi, The House of Lancaster… Sometimes it’s ok to finish second. Most times, though, it isn’t. So I think, Aries, you should probably get back to your daily practice regimen, instead of flopping down on the Barcalounger with potato salad to watch Muriel’s Wedding again. Be a winner!