Gemini May 21 - June 20
Looking for work is shitty. You have to say all kinds of dumb, positive stuff about yourself, along with a bunch of dumb, positive stuff about the boring, useless, soul-numbing position you’re applying to, alongside hundreds of others. That’s why, Gemini, when I’m not writing these, I rob boats.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
For too long, Cancer, I have denied myself a singular pleasure, the one and only thing that makes me truly happy. I’m speaking, of course, about naked waltzing. Alone, with friends, at night, looking in the mirror… There’s no joy like naked-waltz joy.
Leo July 23 - Aug 22
“If you try on the sweater, you’re buying the shoes.” This is obviously a nonsensical sentence, Leo, but you know what? Most pithy pieces of folk wisdom that people brandish like real advice are nonsensical. What I’m saying, here, is that you shouldn’t listen to anyone, ever.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Are you forgetting a lot more these days, Virgo, than you used to? Little stuff, like the word “fork” or where you went to high school? Maybe you should stop huffing air through those old vacuum tubes you found in your uncle’s carport.
Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22
As the president of a 4-Tune 50,000™ company, I’m pretty good at the following things: ignoring the phone, parking on the lawn, tweezing between my eyes, and asking my uncle for money. What special skills do you have, Libra, that you’re probably wasting?
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
Have you ever wondered about animals in children’s books who appear to be wearing fur coats or hats? Because that would be like if you or I walked into a cocktail party wearing the skin of a French person or something. That would be wrong, right, Scorpio?
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If my name were Chad, I think I’d go mad. If my name were Steven, I’d have to get even. If my name were Lou, I’d feel rather blue. If I were a Sagittarius, I’d be worried that the coming weeks will be filled with trials and random indignities.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Snow? In June? That’s what I’m saying, Capricorn; everything’s topsy turvy: popsicles you eat with a straw, horses playing tennis, the New York Mets! What is one person to do in such a higgledy-piggledy world? Personalized catamarans, that’s what.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius, you’ve always been my favorite sign: you’re a little crazy, charming, intense, and always up for an adventure. That’s why I’m rewarding you with this month’s “Your Life is Going to be Awesome Now” astrological prediction. Seriously, you’ve had this coming for a while now.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
I recently discovered upon the YouTube an old George Plimpton television commercial in which the plumby Paris Review founder endorses the Intellivision video game system over Atari. The spot also featured some young men, having fun. I’m pretty sure one of them was Bret Easton Ellis, Pisces… That’s fucked up, right?
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Have you ever heard of still-water rafting? It’s a new pastime where you just sit in a little boat on a very still lake, drifting ever so slightly hither and thither, trailing your fingers in the water, waiting for something to happen. And nothing ever happens, Aries. Ever.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
So, 2012 is basically half over and the world’s still here. I confess, Taurus, I have a lot riding on the end of the world. I’ve been consuming nothing but steak and Old Fashioneds for the last six months: my savings are almost gone, and I lose my breath just watching the teevee. Lesson: there are no lessons.