Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thursday List: Awful Vodkas I Have Drank
Posted by Mark on Thu, Aug 21, 2008 at 2:21 PM
Every Thursday, Edith used to present a list of the best of something she happened across on the internet. Because I miss her even more than you do, I have attempted to continue this tradition. Last week we listed Literary Sex Scenes Taking Place in Libraries; this week, we talk about plastic bottles for under $10, and the fond memories we have of being the only person at the party to drink them.
5. Skyy
Oops, what a bad way to start this list. Skyy is bland sub-Stoli crap trying to attract people with its sexy nightclub-blue bottle, and distract us all from the fact that it's only use is to for sorority girls to mix it with enough Tropicana Orange Pineapple Banana juice to drown out the taste.
4. Crown Russe (I believe that's Russian for "Russian Crown"? Wait.)
The "Finest Vodka Made", it says right on the label. Maybe "the finest vodka made in Frankfurt, Kentucky." Maybe "the vodka averaging the longest time spent languishing in freezers after being bought and barely cracked open at the party." You've never seen so much frost collect on a plastic bottle, it looks like year-old vanilla ice cream by the time you finish it, or more likely throw it out.
3. Majorska
Minor spoiler alert is that Majorska is a product of Star Industries of Syosset, New York, as is our #1 vodka.
2. Crystal Palace
Don't be put off by the fact that Crystal Palace is the label of choice for vagrants drinking vodka straight, out of a paper bag. What better indicator of potency and quality relative to price?
1. Georgi
When I was in college, I started a facebook group called "My Vodka Has a First Name, and It's G-E-O-R-G-I." God, what an awful vodka.
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Mark, I think it is time you moved on. Edith is gone. If you love something let it go.
Where the fuck is Popov on this list?
Totally forgot Johnny Dubra!
what of the immortal Poland Spring?
or the venerable Kamchatka?
I'd like to add Zelko (which, combined with diet coke and copious amounts of marijuana, contributed to my at-least-once-a-week spins habit freshman year) and Orloff, which is easily the finest vodka brewed in Lewiston, Maine.
Mark, you gotta update this post with more pictures of cheap-ass vodka bottles. PLEASE.
skol fueled me through college.
you mean awful vodkas you have drunk
GUILTY! You certainly have drunk some nasty-ass vodka.
@Grammar Death Squads:
I kind of know. I actually just thought "drank" sounded better, funnier, drunker, I dunno. Bar soon?
No Popov is a joke. That shit is at least #2
By all means, let's base our grammar on what sounds better after drinking cheap vodka.
That's said, Albertson's store-brand vodka will kill you dead.
HELLO! The handle of Rubinoff winds hands down.
I remember freshman year we started with absolute (not great) and moved on to plastic, handled, gallon bottles of Cossack. Luckily it's all hard to remember but occassionally I recall the dirty water and give a shudder.
I remember freshman year we started with absolute (not great) and moved on to plastic, handled, gallon bottles of Cossack. Luckily it's all hard to remember but occassionally I recall the dirty water and give a shudder.
"The finest vodka made in Frankfurt, Kentucky." I believe that award goes to Taaka Vodka. I remember all too well the morning after discovering it came in 100 proof. Red bottle of death.
Popov is smooth as silk compared to Taaka.
I too was a drinker of Cossack Vodka. I still occasionally taste it when I burp. Sadly, the magic and mystery of Cossack Vodka died when we realized it was made in Somerville. Def deserves a place on this list.
I think we are forgetting Vladimir. According to Wikipedia:
Vladimir Vodka has remained a powerful player in discount vodkas for some time. It is most commonly used by college students looking to save money when drinking. It has a very strong taste, and smells similar to rubbing alcohol.
Vladimir thrives in areas with low discretionary income, such as West Virginia.
It has been rumored that Vladimir Vodka is named after Vlad the Impaler whose picture seems to be displayed on the bottle's label.
Vladimir vodka is the absolute bombshittydee.
The only thing I've thrown up in 20 years of drinking. Not even a flood of bitter lemon can save this abortion-that-couldn't.
the list definitely needs popov, traveler's club (are you a member?), and vlad
Kosher Vodka (that is the name) at the Warsaw airport.
Popov, Leeds, Banker's Club, and Ron Presidente all need to be on this list too.
if you're going to be throwing out any more of that crown russe, lemme know!
it's not quite as good as the slash-hyped black death vodka from a few years ago but beats the hell out of this stalingrad i'm drinking this morning.
Have you never heard of the britta trick? To magically change cheap vodka into Kettle one?
http://www.ohmygoditburns.com/
You left off Winner's Cup. My college roommate and I designed our favorite diet around this one - first eat, then polish off one jug. We puked so much that year we actually lost 20 lbs each.
Once upon a time, when experimenting with "the Brita trick" I bought and subsequently drank 3 large bottles of Karl Marx vodka. For so many reasons, it deserves a spot on this list.
Senator's Club definitely deserves a place on this list. It makes Skyy taste like pure glacier water sipped out of a crystal skull.
Value for money, though....
Royal Gate and Taaka are pretty vile, as well, though kids that worked with me in SF swore by the stuff ('How do you take your vodka?' 'By the quart.'). Each sip is like snorting a hyperactive, Parkinsonian dwarf directly into your cranium. Which is nice, if you hate waiting until the morning for your hangover.
We used to refer to Traveller's Club as "TIME-Traveller's Club" because you'd magically transverse 11 hours into the future with no memories of the night before and possibly a smashed watch.
SKOL deserves to be on this list
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