Maybe we ought to rethink this whole "Friday news dump" principle, given the most frequent topic of conversation over the most social weekend of the year?
Yes, we should. If not for the sake of damage-controlling politicians, at least for the sake of those of us who come back into the office on Monday and are expected to be funnier than your funny friend was when you were all drunk and happy on Saturday night.
But here at the L we have a big "Win the Cycle" sign above our door that we ritualistically tap as we enter the office. And we've noticed that everybody seems to have their own theory as to why Sarah Palin resigned — it's a fucking cage match of competing narratives, with media outlets trying even harder than the Palin camp to push their stotyline, or at least cover them all as a way of maintaining ownership over this pageview clusterfuck.
So, please help the L win this story! After the jump, we've assembled our best guesses as to The Real Reason Behind Sarah Palin's resignation; it would be really great if you could pick one or two of these to start repeating as inside dope or outright fact to everyone you speak to.
(Needless to say, none of these would really make any less sense than whatever the real reason is.)
The Real Reason for Sarah Palin's resignation:
1. According to rumors in Alaskan political circles, the FBI was about to announce that they were investigating allegations that, as mayor of Wasilla, Palin had used government funds to pay for the addition of several rooms to her home: a deck, Todd's furnished basement "rumpus room", (complete with full bar and pinball), and a secret S&M dungeon.
2. She will, as has been widely speculated, be campaigning for the 2012 presidential nomination — of the Alaskan Independence Party.
3. Why stay in politics? By the time the 2012 rolls around, we'll be in the midst of the cataclysmic events predicted by the end of the Mayan calendar. You try vetting potential cabinet members as Planet X enters the earth's orbit, blotting the sun from the sky and shedding asteroids which shall pelt down upon our cities as rains of fire.
4. The L's Andrea Rosen, always good for juicy tidbits, has heard that Palin resigned ahead of a major scandal: It turns out that Bristol, previously rumored to have been the real mother of Palin's youngest child Trig, is in fact the real mother of all Palin's children, herself included. (Time travel may be involved.)
5. L Magazine President Daniel Stedman reminds us that Phish goes back on tour in late July. Just sayin'.
6. L Magazine publisher Scott Stedman, who knows a thing or two about impulsive behavior, heard from someone who has a friend who has an aunt who used to go to the same church as the governor that God appeared to her in the guise of an Alaskan King Salmon and told her that there was no government but His. Then she grilled Him up with a really nice lemon marinade.
7. In a bid to finally crack the much-sought after mainstream American television audience, the NHL is hiring Palin as the league's new "Fight" Czar, a position that primarily entails the application of lipstick to pitbulls.
8. She'll be replacing Katherine Jean Lopez as editor of the National Review's The Corner blog.
9. She'll be unable to serve the people of Alaska for the remainder of the year, as she undergoes a painful six-month tatooed makeup removal procedure.
10. Although well-versed in Soviet Bloc geography and having devoted her adult life to the study of alternative energy sources, Palin has always deeply regretted not pursuing an advanced degree in her one great scholarly love: linguistics. According to sources close to the Governor, she is a current Fulbright applicant and is leaving the public sphere, she says in her grant application, in order to pursue fluency in several Eastern European languages — Russian and Yiddish among them — and then complete a comparative study of the regional dialects of rural populations in Northern America. "It's my goal to become the first person to hold a doctoral degree in my family," says a statement prepared by the governor and obtained by The L Magazine. "I want to be an inspiration to my children and encourage them to pursue their own educations to the fullest."
11. She has the gout.
12. She has the clap.
13. She has the cancer.
14. No she doesn't.
15. A tipster writes: "According to my sources close to the soon-to-be former Governor, another offer has, in fact, come in for the former Miss Alaska. With investment money pouring in from her Russian Billionaire neighbors, Ms. Palin will be establishing the first professional basketball franchise in Alaska, the Wasilla Barracuda. In addition to owning, operating, and managing the team, Ms. Palin will start at point guard and, with her husband Todd, will also run the Applebee's franchise near the exit of Section 302.Â
"In a related note, accepting an invitation from Ms. Palin, the cheerleading squad will be led by none other than William Kristol, who admits such a career change would be a gamble, but is 'excited about joining such a dynamic, shrewd and brilliant team. Go Barracuda!'"
Sorry, I feel like this is probably exactly the kind of media vitriol that left "Mama Grizzly" with no options but to hang out the "Gone fishin'" sign? (Nice work getting fed spin and reporting it as news, Washington Post. And nice job not hating the media so much you can't manipulate it, Palin. Assholes.)