As if colorful posters with toucans weren't enough, actual men and women in white lab coats have figured out that Guinness is good for you — in fact, it's as effective as aspirin in preventing heart clots that raise the risk of heart attacks. The study, at the University of Wisconsin, gave stout and lager to heartsick dogs, and the lager dogs showed few signs of improvement (though they were increasingly likely to tell you how they really felt and hit on other dogs), while the stout dogs showed reduced clotting (and an increased likelihood to cry about nothing in particular and start fights).
This research has finally given me the reason I was looking for to try my very first drink. This is very exciting news, I must say. Would anyone like to join me in my first ever alcoholic beverage today? It sounds like fun.