"So I have officially been diagnosed, by a real doctor, with THE SWINE FLU. I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have, in 'no way' contributed to... me acquiring this mysterious sickness. Unfortunately, I am going to survive."
I was just going to make a joke about that last part, but I guess if my line of work demanded that I keep up a depressed high school kid schtick even though I'm in my 40s, I'd probably want to die too.