No! It is the New York City Marathon, which happens this Sunday morning, while you are sleeping off your Halloween hangover, because it's on a Saturday night this year and furthermore the nights we set the clocks back hence an extra hour of drinking(!). Here's our guide to what you will have missed by the time you wake up.
"Where is the Marathon?"
The NYC Marathon is awful because everyone has to wake up extra early in the morning so as to be in Staten fucking Island in time for the start. From the Verrazano, the course runs up Fourth Avenue through Bay Ridge (cuz the Ridge rulz haterz!) and the brownstone hoods, before turning at BAM to run up Lafayette Avenue through Fort Greene and Clinton Hill into Bed-Stuy, then turning up Bedford to run through South Williamsburg (where none of the Hasids line up to watch), Williamsburg, Greenpoint, and then three more boroughs where you don't live.
"Where's a good place to watch the Marathon?"
Well, if you happen to have a girlfriend who lives on Lafayette and Vanderbilt, you already know that crowds throng the sidewalk several people deep all the way up Lafayette, and that the Bishop Loughlin band sets up risers and plays the theme from "Rocky" on loop for three hours.
"What time should I wake up if I want to get a good seat, and assuming I need to leave myself enough time to brew a pot of coffee, add alcohol to it, and run down to the diner for grits and eggs?"
The professional women start at 9:10; last year's winner, Paula Radcliffe, covered the course in a roughly 5:30 per mile pace. The wheelchair race starts at 8:35; the men and open field starts at 9:40.
"Why do marathoners eat bananas so goddam much?"
To get better at using a boner. Fibonacci!
"What is a funny thing to do during the marathon to fuck with all the healthy people?"
If you have posterboard handy, and really who doesn't, we recommend making a homemade sign that says "Run Todd Run! We're So Proud of You!" Then everybody named Todd who runs by will spend the next three miles trying to figure out whether the sign was directed to them, or some other Todd, and who he knows who might be watching.
"Are any famous people running this year?"
I dunno, probably. Famous people love running marathons, it's really weird.