Just in time for the official beginning of the Christmas drinking season
comes this delightful story of Satanic arson in the Bronx. Yup, Satanists tried to burn down a church
on Wednesday, starting a fire which required 100 firefighters to put out; you know, this really seems like a new, particularly explicit level of engagement in the millenia-long battle between Lucifer and Jebus. These practitioners of the Hellacious arts left messages like "Hail of Satan [sic]," "666," a pentagram, and "We hate Jews and Christians." Plucky parishioners are already hard at work trying to rebuild their beloved church (I'm just worried about any Nativity scenes that were harmed—I love Nativity scenes... getting the donkeys to ride the sheep, letting the black king be first in line...). When reached for comment, Satan said: "Plague and pestilence is all cool and everything, but sometimes the personal touch really does it for me. Also, Obama does
work for me."