10. Introduce new character: Masturbating Jay Leno.
9. Have really expensive and extensive plastic surgery (chin enlargement, hair plugs, leg shortening, stomach padding) and appear as Jay Leno.
8. Allow Masturbating Bear to have his way with Masturbating Jay Leno. Twice.
7. Unveil the new collection of luxury cars that he bought from some deadbeat used car salesman with his severance money.
6. Slaughter, bone, roast and eat a live peacock.
5. Recite thousands of anagrams for "Dick Ebersol" and "Jay Leno," lingering on bedrock lies
and lean joy.
4. Expose the hidden "Joey" tapes.
3. Expose himself.
2. Read extended passages from Finnegan's Wake in his customarily bad Irish accent.
1. Announce plans to take over Jay Leno Show at 10pm.