Thank god, then, that the British have a truly bizarre plan to clean it all up: sails. SPACE SAILS. Nanosatellites will launch into space containing 25-square-meter sails made from SPACE COTTON (kidding, it doesn't say what they're made of). Once in space, the nanosatellites will home in on space junk, attach, and deploy, pulling the debris down into the atmosphere where it will burn up, like some giant trailer park tire fire, except in space.
I for one look forward to watching the eventual slow-motion YouTube footage of an old Oxygen Network satellite drifting ever so gently toward its fiery death. That will be rad.