Pitchfork reported this morning that the sneakers each Animal Collective band member designed with environmental conservation shoe company (yes, they exist!) Keep will be delivered today to those who pre-ordered them, along with a cassette that includes unreleased tracks. The shoes are pretty snazzy in that subtle, arty way, and otherwise unremarkable, aside from their cause. But here is some remarkable music merch, in which music, materialism and straight-up nonsense collide.
1) Animal Collective wasn't the first to come out with their own line of designer shoes. In 2005, Snoop Dogg's "Doggy Biscuitz"—The Snoopadoopa, Snoopafly, Snoopalicious and Snoopaslide— shoeboxes all came with a pop-out silhouette of the Dogg himself that can be used as "a customized stencil, a sock liner, out-sole and tissue paper boast bandana art."
2) Justin Bieber's merch site features (along with other atrocities) The Justin Bieber Heart Charm Necklace and life-size cardboard cutout. That thing better have some protective, anti-friction laminate.
3) Appropriately, Gogol Bordello's Slingshot Flask sports the emblem "Drink Locally, Fuck Globally." Na Zdorovie!
4) Lady Gaga, marketing genius, has a line of Gaga Halloween costumes. Probably better that they left the meat-dress off the site. That's more of a DIY thing.
5) According to Gerald Casale, Devo's Energy Dome "collects energy that escapes from the crown of the human head and pushes it back into the Medula Oblongata for increased mental energy." Devo's website also emphasizes the importance of getting a hardhat liner to superglue to the interior. This allows for the dome to "'float" on top of your head, optimizing energy recirculation. This so beats a beanie.
6) Too uncreative to come up with your own ways to be a douche in public? One of Kanye West's best sellers is his book, Thank You and You're Welcome!. It's full of handy "Kanye-isms," and it's currently going for $10.