Of course you all remember The L’s extensive coverage of vajazzling when it burst exuberantly onto the scene last year. While I was proud of the consciousness-raising I was able to do then about crotch jewels, I was also troubled by some of letters I received from local men. “Audrey, why can’t I do up my pelvis like a Fabergé egg?” they wondered. “Is there some way I could transform my boring, flesh balls into disco balls?” I didn’t have an answer for them. Until now.
Now calm down, gentlemen. I know you all have questions. Here is some British guy named Mark Wright to help clear things up:
But can a man really be taken seriously while decorated with Swarovski crystals - especially 'down there', as Mark calls it?
Mark is adamant they can. 'Men wear diamond watches and bling earrings - this is no different,' he says.
That is a fact. There is literally no difference between wearing fashionable “bling earrings” and paying someone to glue crystals near your dong. Learn some science. If someone sees your pejazzle and stops taking you seriously, you just shove that diamond watch into their stupid, peasant face and watch them wither with embarrassment.
He advises users shave the hair before applying the crystals, or for the 'very hairy', a judicious waxing or laser session could be necessary.
Basic safety tip. Be sure to keep your waxing judicious.
Mark insists it's not only the nether regions that can be decorated with crystals.
He wears his own on the left-hand side of his abdomen, while others use the crystals to adorn arms, chest or back.
'Think of it just like a crystal tattoo - and it's less permanent than a real one,' he says.
Wait, what? Less permanent than a real crystal tattoo? You’re losing me, Mark. It is not called leftabjazzling.
'Any good looking bloke can wear Pejazzles,' he continues.
Well there you have it. Sorry ugly guys, you cannot wear pejazzles. The rest of you, call your aestheticians and clear your schedules for the rest of the day. You’re going to want to have a pejazzle on when you ascend into heaven, TRUST ME.
Take that sparkly crotch and follow me on twitter, already.