Sorry, freelancers. But for those of you with jobs that have income withholding, why not spend a chunk of your refund on a little something nice for yourself and/or your partner(s)? Refunds are celebratory wads of cash, made for spending on fun stuff. Pure treat yo self. Right? I assume? I wouldn't know, I haven't gotten one since I was like 18. Anyway! Six options for those us feeling flush right now:
What better way to show everyone down at the sex club that you're feeling fancy than having a giant sparkle lighting up your b-hole? It comes in diamond-ish, ruby-ish, and "electra".
What is it? It's a squeel! What's a squeel? Ask the ad copy!
We all know that one tongue is good, but with the help of the Sqweel, you'll soon learn that ten tongues are even better.
Ten tongues, that is like the five-blade razor of oral sex. Truthfully, I like it because it looks like you're getting head from an Advair diskus, which is only fair given how much I have to suck on that thing to breathe. Squeeeeeeeeel!
Truly, this is the Ron Swanson of things you put up your butt. So masculine! So made out of wood! So expensive! This prostate stimulator isn't just some cheap piece of junk you'll use a few times then throw away. This is an heirloom anal probe that you'll give to your son someday. An investment in your family's butts.
Owning a hippietastic swirly rainbow glass dildo just displays a certain joie de vivre that I think is wonderful. It's like, you appreciate your dildos enough to drop $100 on a nice glass one, but you have enough of a sense of humor about the whole thing to want it to look like nyan cat is having a field day up in your pussy. Perfect.
I'm not sure why toibocks insists on spelling itself like the FDA has ruled that it must use "cheez" when referring to its product, because it definitely is a box that holds toys. At $99.99 it is a splurge, but I think anybody would be impressed to see that you keep all your sex stuff in a classy wood veneer storage box, rather than jammed in a shoe box shoved under the bed (for example). It also has a magnetic locking mechanism to keep your friends from pawing through your shit and making fun of your swirly rainbow glass dildo.
6. The Lelo Yva
Here is what you need to know about the Yva: it looks like someone ran over a computer mouse, it is plated in real 18 karat gold, it is designed to be smushed up against your various parts, and it costs $1500.
The gentle and resonant vibration, transmitted by the cool metal, is utterly sensuous against the naked skin; just hold it in your hand for a few moments, and it warms to the touch. Bring Yva as a discreet guest to the most exclusive gatherings; she's small, exceedingly quiet and never in danger of outstaying her welcome.
If anyone is having an Yva-appropriate gathering, please, send an invite my way.
And for those of us sad sacks who had to turn over a crushingly large amount of our hard-earned cash to the IRS, allow me to suggest the Candy Vibe.
It comes in a box that says "Better Finger," which is pretty good for a sex toy candy pun, and it only costs $5.