Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Seven Most Hilarious and/or Horrifying Moments of Geraldo Rivera's Career

Posted By on Tue, May 22, 2012 at 12:27 PM

Gerald Michael Riviera was born in Brooklyn on Independence Day, 1943. Loved and trusted by those who knew him, Gerald delivered on the promise of his youth, eventually earning a law degree from Brooklyn Law School and working as an investigator for the NYPD. Then, tragically, Gerald Michael Riviera, who had so much left to give us, died, only to be reborn in 1970 as Geraldo Rivera, a rookie reporter for Eyewitness News. Since then, the world has been one moustache heavier, and kind of funnier, maybe. Geraldo’s been around forever (1970), and for good reason. People love Geraldo — not the way they loved Gerald — but the way they love the craziest drunk person they know. They love Geraldo because every now and then he provides the journalistic equivalents of tripping over a trashcan, rolling around in puke, or puking in and around a trashcan and then tripping over the trashcan and then rolling around in the puke. Here are some of the finer moments of his career, including the latest egg he laid on Friday:

1) Geraldo Breaks His Nose
This is kind of a sad one — only because Geraldo doesn’t really do anything to deserve a broken nose here — other then inviting a bunch of skinheads to sit next to a black guy and probably hoping that a fight breaks out. Amazing moment at 2:27 when Geraldo, beaten and out of breath, actually does a formal sign-off to a commercial. What a pro. Throughout all this the moustache seems unperturbed, almost amused, definitely calm.

2) Geraldo is Kicked Out of Iraq For Being an Idiot
The comments section really explains it all for this one. The clip shows Geraldo speaking to soldiers in this faux-chummy way that will make you feel weird. Watch as he interrupts a soldier’s answer to a question about IEDs to show off a huge mural with his face on it. That’s not why he got kicked out of Iraq, though. The Pentagon “expelled” him from the warzone after he “compromised operational information by reporting the position and movements of troops” on live television. Moustache here looks moist and incredibly smug — but the star here is his leather jacket.

3) Geraldo Loses It on Bill O’Reilly For No Reason
Try to make it through this one. If you do, you’ll probably watch it three to ten times. Back-story: a drunk-driving illegal immigrant killed someone in Virginia Beach. Bill and Geraldo are debating whether this is a drunk-driving issue or an illegal immigration issue — because this is cable news and it has to be one or the other. The debate makes no sense at all, and like all great senseless debates, ends with the parties screaming at each other. Amazing finger-pointing here as the moustache hangs on for dear life. It ends with O’Reilly explaining to Geraldo that the viewers at home can decide which of them is right — because this is cable news and one of them has to be right.

4) Geraldo Blue-Balls America
Primetime Geraldo. On April 26, 1986, thirty million people tuned it to watch “The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault,” a two-hour special with 90 minutes of speculative hype about what they’d find in the vault, 28 minutes of commercials, 30 seconds of Geraldo finally opening it and finding nothing inside, and 90 seconds of credits. It was a huge embarrassment that made Geraldo rich and famous — a common thread throughout these clips. Moustache here looks better than it ever did — young, idealistic, full of life, naturally colored.

5) Geraldo Gets Bullied at Occupy

Geez, this is probably the saddest one. Has anyone not had a nightmare like this? A bunch of people crowding around you, chanting something mean — or worse — true. It’s a bummer because Geraldo actually defended, if not supported, the Occupy protests, criticizing Glenn Beck’s prophecy that Occupy Wall Street would lead to “A Man-Made Global Katrina.” So yeah, when he’s standing next to Glenn Beck, Geraldo is an awesome dude. Here the moustache looks quite indignant, seeming to pull its owner out of his misery.

6) Geraldo Says a Hoodie Killed Trayvon Martin, Apologizes, Then Says it Again

Look — every week someone says something kind of stupid or kind of racist or kind of terrible on television. Geraldo’s been on TV a lot of weeks — most weeks he doesn’t say anything particularly stupid or racist. We can’t take one ill-timed slip-up in a four-decade long career and crucify — oh wait, he said it again. After his own son said he was ashamed of his dad’s remarks, Geraldo refused to apologize or modify his remarks, reiterating them on his Sunday show. Benjamin Crump, the Martin family lawyer, told Geraldo, “You’re embarrassing your son again by making these statements.” Man, what a burn. What will Geraldo say next? Probably the same thing, just in a louder voice.

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