The nice folks at Brooklyn Brewery want you to join them, but there's a catch: a contest, in which contestants were tasked with writing a song about the infamous G train. The top 10 finalists were announced today, so we took the liberty of evaluating a random selection of them, noting the highs and lows of each. Consider it as a handy voters' guide, maybe? But be sure to check out all the finalists here and cast your own vote because our opinion actually really doesn't matter. Subjective journalism! And with that, here we go. Judging hats: on.
The gist of it: Here we have a romanticized version of the G-riding experience, thanks to the money-line chorus, "There are no strangers, there are no angels... there is only us," piled high with shimmery synths over a modulated beat. Would've made a strong candidate to soundtrack John Hughes funeral procession.
Minus: I don't care much for that new Twin Shadow album that lots of other people really like.
The gist of it: Set to a bittersweet acoustic melody, "Carroll" is told from the point of view of the train itself, who, apparently, is sick and tired of hearing you complain all the time.
Plus: The closest you'll ever come to crying for a giant, filthy tube of steel barreling through an underground tunnel. It's so sad, that train.
Minus:"I'm not sorry, I'm not going to apologize," the train tenderly coos. F-you, I have to get to work.
The gist of it: A look into the lives of typical G-train riders retold in construction paper cutouts and wide-eyed acoustic melody. There are lyrical rhymes, a little boy who gets picked on for doing his homework en route to school, and a strong possibility "Abby" is an alias for Zooey Deschanel.
Plus: We come to find mid-song that the aforementioned little boy grows up to be President. Hearts soar.
Minus: It's come to my attention over the years that some people without souls don't appreciate twee.
The gist of it: The contest's inevitable Auto-Tuned selection illustrated by a montage of on-the-scene footage of a guy wearing a G train t-shirt sprouting double entendres about wanting to "ride you."
Plus: It's actually quite funny. Extra attention due around the one-minute mark for the line, "L train ain't nothing but a G train, baby," which contains certain truths we can't yet understand.
Minus: Something tells me this guy's from Queens.
The gist of it: Guy who looks like he just missed his audition for Hot Chip channels indie-rock nerdom into a pleasant staccato pop song.
Plus: The production is crisp and bright, sounding better than a large slice of other fledgling bands lurking around the borough.
Minus: The line, "Get to my stop, where I'm talking with the cops/They want to search my socks, but I've got lots to lose." Like what? Socks?
Follow Lauren Beck on Twitter @heylaurenbeck.