There is a part of me that feels for this woman, who I assume has been shamed into removing the above "surprise wedding video" from YouTube (it no longer appears on the site), though only after she pimped it to the Huffington Post (in a tweet that's also since been removed)* and saw the comment section wreckage it incited. Because of that, there is another part of me that is so pleased someone made a bootlegged copy of it. After learning she's a proprietor of organic juices, that side has won out. And now here we are. Viewers should watch the video, shown at the leading lady's wedding as a gift to her husband, with caution (check out Buzzfeed for the full experience). Meanwhile, the organic-juice slinging woman who is very much in love should gently be reminded that, despite feeling she "just may have it all" as professed in the song, that's not necessarily the case.

Here are some things she doesn't have:

1. a good grasp as to how the Internet works
2. humility
3. the chance to see LCD Soundsystem perform live
4. notable vocal ability
5. a healthy relationship with her cat**
6. an understanding of appropriate places to drink macchiatos (i.e. not in the 'hood)

But, hey, don't sweat it, pretty lady in the video. Everything's okay-o when you're with Tadeo, and everything is better for the rest of us knowing we aren't the ones in this video. Happy weekend, world.

*Though this tweet still exists.
**From the YouTube credits: "Hats off to our beautiful cat Balka."

• Shit's about to get WEIRD.

Their sex act also has to happen in a half-second, because the lymph that inflates that giant curly fry can't hold it taut for more than a second. Oh and, of course, female ducks have vaginas that corkscrew the OTHER WAY, so only the fittest males with the biggest and most maneuverable penises can jam them in there in the few moments they have for their lymph to do its thing. And all duck sex is a surprise to the lady duck, so guy ducks have to be expert at sneaking up, rapidly inflating, jabbing, and then presumably swimming off quickly before the surprised lady duck beats the shit out of them.

Do other waterfowl procreate this way? No, of course not. Can you imagine a swan with a giant curly dick? Ducks are just the total freaks of the natural sex kingdom. A duck sees you reading Fifty Shades of Grey and tweets "LOL humans smh,", right before ripping a massive curly boner. Don't even try to out-freak a duck.

Info source: Yale Scientific Magazine

• Guardian UK

SOME people felt that ICM was being given an excuse to shake a bunch of companies down for money, because they would be forced to purchase the .xxx versions of their non-porn sites, to keep someone from opening up, say, disney.xxx and sullying their precious brand. Even lots of porn folks felt like they were being pushed into paying up for the .xxx versions of the .com sites they already owned. It's also slightly more expensive to buy a .xxx than a .com, though, as Stuart says, you'll "spend more on inkjet cartridges for your printer" than any single domain name in a year, no matter how much it cost.

What Stuart asked me to share with you is that there was an error in my reporting here. In fact, the nice people at ICM aren't going to charge non-porn people who own the .xxx versions of their sites an ADDITIONAL fee if they launch .porn, .sex, and .adult. They only had to pay that fee one time. Per url. Seems fair. Who doesn't want to pay to register a bunch of urls they'll never use? I hope we're clear now.

In any case, whatever your feelings about .xxx are conceptually, search.xxx is ICM's next step toward attempting to make the .xxx world a safe haven for the porn producer and consumer. All .xxx sites are going to be scanned daily for malware, and any site not up to snuff won't be indexed by the search engine. To me that seems like the most useful part of this product.

They're also saying it will be easier to block kids from seeing porn, which seems a bit silly. I don't think the .coms of porn are going anywhere any time soon. Search.xxx does have the ability to be customizable, which I think is interesting. You can set your sexuality (though of course the effectiveness of that is reliant on good metadata), and you can customize the look of the search page, which is sort of adorably dorky. I picture Steve Carrell lighting candles and turning around a picture of his mother before attempting to masturbate in The Forty Year Old Virgin.

I haven't tried it yet, so I don't know how good the actual search engine part is, but the other advantages he mentioned—that it won't leave embarrassing jack-off-related autocompletes in your google search box, that you don't have deal with non-porn search results in your quest for dirty videos—seem like not that big of a deal to serious consumers of porn. I think erasing recent history is pretty s.o.p. after a personal browsing session. And of course, you can easily filter a google search to only .xxx urls. Still, the concept of a dedicated browser for your porn needs isn't a bad one, and if they can get porn consumers to start using the .xxx-exclusive search, that would be a huge boon to smut peddlers on .xxx.

It does sound like search.xxx is just the first of several .xxx-exclusive products ICM is planning to roll out. Stuart also mentioned a universal payment system in the near future. That sounds exceedingly useful. I think a safe, one-click way to make the often-small payments porn sites require (without it showing up on your bank statement or paypal, especially), would really be key. Like I said before, it sounds like ICM is attempting to create a porn island in .xxx, and to ensure that the island conforms to best practices for users on both sides. We'll see how it goes.