Although Labor Day weekend is widely recognized as summer's unofficial end, this year the end came a little bit before that. Or at least, it felt like some kind of end as an apocalyptic, nuclear winter atmosphere descended upon Tampa, Florida as both hordes of Republicans and Hurricane Isaac made landfall at the same time. Though our country was spared the harsh winds that Donald Trump planned to let loose from his squiggly, earthworm-like lips, we still were exposed to all sorts of other insanities and inanities over the course of the Republic National Convention.
Did you watch? I didn't. I couldn't. I value what little of my sanity is left. But I did want to sound knowledgeable about what was happening, so I paid close attention to the social media that I most trust. And now, I've rounded up the best tweets and tidbits of those storied few days in Tampa, so that you too can feel politically informed.
Or maybe you already are politically informed? In which case, good for you. But you can still read these and laugh. Laugh and laugh until you cry at the prospect that these troglodytes have actual support in this country of ours.
As the convention kicks off, the mood of the Republican crowd is enthusiastic. They want to get rid of our foreign-born president and replace him with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Two men with winning smiles and the hairlines of Darrin from Bewitched and Eddie Munster! Here's what twitter noticed about the scene in Tampa. And, yeah, Chris Christie DOES sound like Dane Cook.
Some other Republicans spoke, because they had to, I guess. A lot of them lied. Or made weird analogies. Or were incoherent. Or all of the above.
The vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan turned out to be a big, lying liar who lies. And not just about policy, also about his marathon time. Way to lose the runner's vote, Paul Lyin.' (Sorry, it's hard to help myself when the puns basically write themselves!)
And then came Clint Eastwood! And his empty chair. Which was supposed to be Obama? I mean, I'm clear on the fact that it was supposed to be Obama. But I'm still confused as to why. Why did you do this, Clint Eastwood? Why?
The problem is, really, that so many people—even women!—are still considering voting for this guy. What is wrong with us, America?
Is Donald Trump imagining what could have been? If only god himself hadn't prevented Trump from taking the stage at the RNC! Nobody would be talking about Clint Eastwood! They'd be talking about the second coming of Winston Churchill! Because, naturally, Churchill would have chosen to be re-born as the son of a real-estate developer from Queens, who would grow up to have a taste for the finer things in life, like gold-plated condoms and toupees made from nutria-hair. Naturally!