You know how every four years, you can't WAIT for the first Presidential debate because you haven't yet made up your mind about who you're going to vote for in just five more weeks? It's like, no, the conventions weren't enough to help you decide. And, no, you don't already have a deep antipathy toward one party or another and a solid conviction that, even though your party isn't perfect, the party that you hate will take America straight to hell. And then you'd have to move to Canada and that would be really difficult. Let's face it. Canada doesn't want you.
Well, last night, you were finally in luck! It was the night of the big debate. Romney versus Obama versus my capacity to ever have any faith in government again! Who was the winner? Well, the loser was definitely "my capacity to ever have any faith in government ever again." Also, Obama. At least, that's what 100% of people are saying today. If you didn't watch the debate—and I completely understand if you didn't!—here are some tweets for you to look at, so that you can talk with all your friends about what a boring hour and a half that was. Eh. Your friends will probably have something else they want to talk about. You have cool friends. Good for you.
Before we begin, let's just get this out of the way. It's all about the story, you guys. And, so far, this election's story has been BORING. So it was totally time for things to get interesting. Even if reporters had to create a new story themselves, dammit!
But, no made-up narrative could cover up the fact that this debate was totally a snooze.
And both Romney and Obama spent so much time talking about math and "ordinary people" that they couldn't talk about a whole bunch of really important things.
Although we did find out that Romney loves Big Bird, we also found out that he wants Big Bird out of a job.
Romney seems to really understand how the budget works. PBS takes up 0.12% of our budget. THat'll make a difference. Also, Romney has just thrown away Laura Linney's vote. Talk about cruel and unusual.
Even though Barack Obama tried to reference Bill Clinton by using the word "arithmetic," Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton. I have met Bill Clinton (seriously, I have, it was 1999 in Appalachian Kentucky...LONG STORY) and he is no Bill Clinton. That time in Kentucky was the only time in my life that I wished I owned a beret. And had the kind of rack that would attract the leader of the free world. Oh, well.
We also found out that Romney has strong feelings about coal.
And that his kids are lying liars who lie.
And that Obama thinks a lot about Donald Trump's "small business" which can only mean Donald Trump's junk.
Trump only has strong feelings about one man though. Which, if you were even a little bit impressed by Romney, should send you scurrying right back over to Obama.
But, you know, it is true that Romney didn't do a bad job at the debate. He did, however, do a bad job at appearing human. What was up with all the blinking?
Mia Farrow summarized the debate better than anyone else, I think.
Next up is the vice-presidential debate, so hopefully that will be a little more lively. If not, we can imagine other, better debate possibilities, like the spawn of both candidates, or Bo the dog versus Rafalca Romney. A girl can dream, right?
Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen