In an angst-ridden post entitled "New York Shitty," Sullivan bemoaned everything from the pace to the prices to problems with the Daily Beast's (very fancy and enviable) Chelsea offices. "Just to walk a few blocks requires barging your way through a melee of noise and rudeness and madness," he wrote, embedding a sad Alicia Keys song for emphasis. Terrible.
Sensible readers immediately advised him to get the fuck out and move to Brooklyn, and we couldn't agree more. In fact, we agreed so much that we came up with a helpful list of incentives for Sullivan to cross the bridge and turn his life around. You can do it, Andrew! People here aren't square like in D.C., and illegal sublets happen all the time, so no need to worry about your current lease. Jump ship and nestle into our borough's warm, beer-battered embrace.
Daily Beast partner company Newsweek is nothing if not slightly out of touch with youth culture and prone to preposterous, sensational cover stories, so what better coup for the company than to get an insider situated in hip, newly discovered Brooklyn? Just by virtue of enjoying everything we have to offer, he can also do his company a solid by embodying the very trend (we assume) confuses and fascinates them so. Win-win, all of it.
Even if Newsweek decides it's a little "soon" to talk about this untested, fledgling borough, Sullivan can still have a lot of fun over here. Especially coming from a city as notoriously boring and socially D.O.A. as Washington D.C., shouldn't he treat himself to the myriad delights available on this side of the river, all while gaining instant cool points with his political cohorts? Slap on a fedora (please don't slap on a fedora) and come on down! "Over here, Grizzly Bear sings you to sleep with lullabies," promises our very own Associate Music Editor Lauren Beck, an offer that we can certainly guarantee without any hesitation whatsoever.*
*We cannot guarantee this with even the vaguest certainty.
Yeah, Sullivan probably already knows that Brooklyn has a lot of tasty, talked-about food right now. There's also a lot of good stuff to eat in Manhattan. However, we have a distinct advantage when it comes to tasty, talked-about food from his native England. Look how much comfort food awaits! It's like that old British saying, "Nothing cures homesickness like a pint (or several) and a nice, warm meat pie." Or something along those lines.
Chief among Sullivan's complaints was the notoriously shitty internet service he's been receiving from Time Warner. Andrew, I've been there! Once upon a time I lived in Manhattan, wrote from home, and could never get any fucking work done because Time Warner is the worst company that has ever existed and anyway, cable companies are a weird monopoly of which I don't really approve.
There is another way. Over here we have Cablevision, and based on highly anecdotal evidence, it is much, much better. It is possible they also service Manhattan, but that is neither here nor there.
"And a glance at your bank account shows a giant sucking sound as the city effectively robs you of all your pennies at every juncture," Sullivan said, and it's hard to argue. But while Brooklyn is, admittedly, the second most expensive city in all of America, it's still behind Manhattan, which is outlandishly priced and getting worse by the day. Very literally! A new report came out yesterday with the horrifying news that rents over there went up by an average of 10% in the past year alone. We can't promise you ideal prices, but we can promise that it won't be quite as bad, and your apartment will probably be bigger.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.