Were you all as anxious and excited before the debate last night as noted policy wonk Lindsay Lohan was? Or were you totally not into it and decided to watch Hocus Pocus instead because you knew you could rely on other people to sum it up for you today? If it's the latter, I totally respect your opinion and am happy to walk you through last night's debate with the help of a variety of funny and profane people that I follow on twitter.
Honestly, I don't even know how we made it through past presidential election cycles without Twitter. It seems so barbaric, like using horses or bayonets, or the US Navy. Twitter is totally the aircraft carrier of social media.
This would be a terrifying feeling and I just want to let everyone know that I stocked up on Elijah Craig over the weekend so that I could get through the debate. Having to watch that sober would be as scary as playing Jenga with Tagg Romney. You just know he'd want to punch you in the face if you won, especially if you're a woman.
The centuries-old art of calligraphy was foully—and distractingly—besmirched in the backdrop behind the candidates. And what was it exactly that the writing said? So hard to read...
Yeah, you know what was funny about this, the foreign policy debate? Romney kept trying to steer the conversation back to the domestic economy and, like, teachers' unions.
It's really a shame there was no moderator at this debate. Oh. Wait.
But finally, they talked foreign policy. Romney pointed out that the Navy is smaller than it's been in a hundred years and Obama smacked his sweaty-upper-lipped opponent to the ground with his line about "horses and bayonets" not being used so much anymore either. And that, you guys, is how a meme is born. No one ever said birth was pretty.
And while the original meme can be funny and cute, like a Mogwai, then it can get wet and spawn dozens of ugly and wretched Gremlins aka Tumblrs. Don't let that happen to "horses and bayonets."
Finally there was some foreign policy talk. But that's not Mitt's strong point. So he, you know, forgot that Iran actually doesn't need Syria to have access to the sea, because they already have their own coastline. And Romney also had some things to say about China.
However, it's not a foreign policy debate if both candidates don't start licking Israel's ass really hard. I'm talking really hard, the perfect amount of ass-licking pressure.
At least there was one thing the candidates agreed on?
Consensus on twitter among the liberal people that I follow (I can only occasionally hate-read Donald Trump's twitter for very short periods of time before my brain begins to smoke) was that Obama won big because Romney was such a miserable, blotchy-faced blowhard.
However, Lindsay Lohan gave BOTH candidates her seal of approval, so maybe I should give Romney a second look?
Who am I kidding, really? Isn't the choice of who to vote for obvious?
Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen