What a year, right? The election, the hurricane, and all that other stuff I don’t remember from the first half of the year. 365 days is actually kind of a long time. So let’s take a pleasant stroll down memory lane to revisit some of this year’s arbitrarily chosen moments in sex news. We had so much fun together!
Did you forget about Vagina? Never forget about Vagina! What about your goddess array? And tantric yoni massage? And how people used to think Naomi Wolf was one of the torchbearers of modern feminism and now she is writing books about how women are literally nothing but walking vaginas? LOLsob.
Well, in porn made in LA County, which is pretty much a lot of porn. Measure B’s passage means that we will all be seeing far less raw doggin’ it in our j/o materials, at least until the law is overturned in court and/or Porn Valley moves itself somewhere slightly outside of LA County.
Sure, celebrity sex tapes are thick on the ground these days, but there was something special about the Hulk Hogan one. I don’t know if it was the $100 million lawsuit, the involvement of a gentleman named “Bubba the Love Sponge”, or the subtle glory of Hulk’s mustache/goatee, but there was more to this thing than just watching someone marginally famous put their dick in a lady. Perhaps the years of seeing him rip his shirt open to reveal his oily, orange chest created some deep-seated cultural need to see the act completed.
What Ms. Brown began with Sex and the Single Girl and continued through years of Cosmopolitan’s mind-blowing sex secret to giving him the orgasm you deserve quiz poll real guys naughty red-hot sizzle electrifying bedroom stories tips has now consumed the whole of our culture. Every time we buy a hot pink vibrator, hesitantly put a finger up a guy’s butt because a magazine said to, or agree that “feminism is about choices and one of those choices is paying someone $75 to rip all of one’s crotch hair out with hot wax,” we honor her memory.
Ah, remember how innocent we were back in February when 50 Shades was just the hook for a story on e-readers and “mommy porn?” Whoever would’ve guessed it would go on to launch 1,000 terrible knock-off novels, headline puns, erotic fiction imprints, crappy couples’ weekend package deals, and lifestyle pieces about middle-aged couples reigniting their sex lives through faux BDSM. Every type of 50 Shades of Grey merch imaginable now exists for purchase: ties, sex toys, T-shirts, underthings, handcuffs, cookbooks, stemware, jewelry, perfume, “Keep Calm and” prints, keychains, aprons, car decals. It’s kind of hard to imagine that 60 years ago we were banning Lolita, and now it’s considered mostly just goofy to stuff your baby in a onesie with a line from this book on it. Which I guess is progress? I’m all for smut but maybe in 2013 let’s see if we can’t go bananas over a kinky story that didn’t start life as Twilight fanfic.