Not everything was great in 2012. I mean, no shit, right? There were tons of terrible things that happened this year. And, well, the year isn't over, so maybe even more awful things are going to happen. I hope not. I really hope not. But even if it's not in our power to prevent hurricanes from making landfall, there are some things that we can prevent from following us into 2013. If we work together on this, maybe we can make the world a better place, or something.
I mean, this term was hilarious when it first surfaced in a Times style article about how crazy the French are about everything having to do with Brooklyn. But then came word that nobody in France actually calls things "très Brooklyn". Whoever told the Times reporter about that terminology was probably just fucking with them. Which, yes, makes me respect the French, but, no, does not mean that this term should ever be used again.
Chris Brown is terrible. At many things. Tattoos. Music. Tweeting. Boyfriending. Picking Halloween costumes. I guess he's a good dancer? Anyway, let's leave him in 2012. Let's not talk about him at all in 2013 and maybe—MAYBE—he'll just go away.
Instagramming Stuff that Nobody Cares About
I mean, nobody really cares about Instagrammed pictures of food. But worse than that was when everyone Instagrammed their ballots on Election Day. That's terrible. And boring. Stick to puppies. Puppies are always the best.
The End of Irony
Let's stop talking about the end of irony. Or about how irony isn't over yet, but should be. Irony isn't going anywhere and humorless people just need to get over that. Most people can't even define what irony is anyway. So I've provided this handy clip from "Reality Bites" for educational purposes. Long live irony.
A ____ Grows In Brooklyn
I get that there are never really any new ideas, but this trope of "a ____ grows in Brooklyn" has got to stop. I walked past a store the other day called "A Shoe Grows in Brooklyn" and actually said to myself—out loud—This has got to stop. I mean, a shoe can't grow in Brooklyn. Shoes don't grow! They're not trees.
Lining Up for Product Launches
Just a couple of days after Hurricane Sandy, the iPad Mini launched and hundreds of people lined up outside Apple stores to get their grubby hands on the newest Apple device. I think the selling point is that it's slightly larger than your iPhone but can't make calls? Exciting. Anyway. Apple is kind of just fucking with us now, as the newest version of Apple Maps clearly demonstrated. Don't be a lemming. Have some self-respect and just buy your new, TOTALLY useful product off the Internet from the comfort of your own home.
So, here's something that has happened since the beginning of mankind—people getting knocked up. Exciting? Not really! But it happens. And we're all sort of forced to hear about it when it's our friends and family who get pregnant because pictures of it wind up all over Facebook and they're impossible to ignore. But why do we have to hear about celebrity pregnancies? Who cares? I'm speaking specifically of Kate Middleton aka the Duchess of Cambridge aka someone with excellent grooming habits and very shiny hair who married into the anachronism known as the British royal family. Why would any American care about this woman's womb? Please, please America, turn away from pregnant celebrities. Which leads me to...
If there's anything less interesting than a pregnant woman, it's a newborn baby. I mean, at least pregnant women are still adults and can talk and be interesting even if they can't drink or do anything really fun. But babies? They're no fun at all. Unless they're your own. Or belong to someone you love. But celebrity babies? Who cares? No one should care. Plus, if you think about it for even one second, the lengths that photographers must go to in order to take pictures of these strangers' babies are truly disturbing. Don't support that industry. Gross.
War On Men
Here's the thing, there is no fucking war on men. That's just the media pandering in order to get pageviews or ratings or whatever. The very idea is ridiculous and insulting when you think about the reality of women's health rights being attacked by prominent politicians. Let's never talk about the War on Men again.
Most of the other items on this list are pretty frivolous. I was trying to think of a 10th thing that was similarly trivial that I didn't want to exist once the clock strikes 12 on January 1, 2013, but I couldn't. Oh, I mean, I could—vampires, adults losing their shit over books meant for teenagers, 50 Shades of Grey, etc. But there isn't anything that's more prominent in my mind right now than the need for gun control. So, fuck you guns. Stay in the past, where you belong. It's going to be 2013, everyone, it's time to forget about bearing arms in case we need to overthrow the government à la the American Revolution, and remember the fact that we shouldn't have to live in a society where 6-year-olds aren't safe in their own classrooms.
Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen