Here's something about being involved with someone much older than you. You might think that they are very open and understanding, and maybe they are in many ways, but also, they tend to be extremely sensitive and need a level of faithfulness that callous, younger people just can't fully understand. Maybe this inclination toward loyalty is why so many older people stick with Hotmail? Unclear at this time. But what I'm trying to say is that Elijah's much-older boyfriend, George, breaks up with him because Elijah had sex with Marnie. And even though it was "like three pumps, two-and-a-half pumps" before he lost his boner, it's too late. George tells Elijah, "I don't want to be with someone who's confused. I thought you knew what you wanted." George leaves. Plaintive guitar strumming ensues.
From where, exactly, is that plaintive guitar strumming coming? Well, it's coming from Adam. He sent Hannah a video of himself singing, shirtless, in front of a wall of tools. The lyrics are pretty creepy but not, in my opinion, uninteresting—You destroyed my heart. Thanks. Elijah and Hannah watch until they can't watch anymore and Elijah shuts the Mac, silencing Adam and his maybe "murder-y" singing. Elijah laments the fact that at least Hannah is "still speaking to Adam" whereas George won't return Elijah's texts or Facebook messages. Hannah doesn't understand why, and Elijah is not about to tell her about fucking Marnie because, as he later so aptly explains, "Hannah is thin-skinned like a little baby." There is absolutely no way that Hannah wouldn't make Elijah and Marnie's hookup about her. Hannah is so thin-skinned that she needs to wear an orange, hooded sleeping bag—and maybe even a diaper?—to protect herself because, true story, she is "just a sad, limp little glow worm."
Marnie is on a job interview. And while she is not wearing a diaper, she is wearing something almost as embarrassing—an Ann Taylor suit. The gallery owner is played by Lena Dunham's mother, Laurie Simmons. You might not be aware of this, but Lena Dunham's mother is a famous artist, which is most of the reason why Lena Dunham is successful, because having clout in the New York City art world in an essential part of television success. But anyway, Marnie does not get the job. Partly because of the Ann Taylor suit, partly because Marnie is from Montclair, partly because the gallery owner is cranky from a juice cleanse, maybe. Whatever the reasons, Marnie is told that she probably doesn't belong in the art world and also maybe doesn't even really belong anywhere, because she is kind of the worst.
Is there anything that's more indicative of a totally healthy relationship than brushing your teeth side by side? Probably, yes. Does it include explicitly stating that you "really like having sex" with the other person? Ok. Sure it does. Hannah and Sandy are clearly going to last forever. True love. Except for that pesky little situation where Sandy is a Republican and also hasn't read the essay that Hannah sent him. That's not good at all. If you really like someone, you devour what they give to you. If it's an essay or a poem or a drawing or a song, you inhale it because you need to. And if you don't like what they do? Then it's over before it really started. There's a lesson from me to you. So now that's two lessons that I've imparted in Girls recaps (the other, from the first recap, being "Don't sleep with your boss") and I feel pretty good about this whole endeavor.
Shoshanna and Ray are happy together and smiling at each other in bed and Shosh is talking about her happy place, which, summer camp, obviously, and also about how much she wants to bathe pigs with Ray. It's all very sweet if you like happiness. Marnie does not. She comes into the apartment saying, "I just don't want to be around people who don't hate everything in their life right now." Luckily, Shosh comes to the rescue and helps Marnie get a hostessing job because Marnie is pretty enough to do that (and has a Bachelor's degree) even though she isn't pretty enough to model. Obviously. Also, Shosh has a great hoarse voice here. The kind of hoarse voice that follows lots and lots of sex. And Ray has a pretty great smile. Smile more, Ray. Smile more.
Jessa paints her husband, Thomas John. It is not the greatest painting. It is terrible, in fact, because Jessa is "used to painting things [she] hates. Like her mom. And scenery." This makes perfect sense. Hannah comes over in her shorteralls which, Thomas John compliments because he is so, "impressed by what [Hannah] does with what [she's] got." He's not all bad, though, he also gets Jessa puppies, which are "fetus-sized." And we all know that everything is cuter when it's fetus-sized, except actual fetuses, which are pretty gross and creepy to look at. The puppies are named Garbage, Fucker, and Hanukkah. And I like those names except Hanukkah, because how will anyone ever know how to spell it? Confusing.
Hannah seems pretty skeptical that Jessa is actually happy in her marriage, but Jessa says that Hannah's problem is "over-thinking things" and that, for Jessa, "the hunt is over." Hannah tells Jessa about Sandy, explaining that the sex is actually good and doesn't make Hannah feel bad about herself, but that he's a Republican, which Jessa reassures Hannah is not a big deal because Democrats and Republicans are "all dirtbags...Bill Clinton...Glass-Steagall." Then, the real issue comes out, which is that Sandy hasn't read Hannah's essay. This, Jessa knows, is "bullshit. He's not reading your essays, he's not reading you."
Well, it turns out that Sandy did read Hannah's essay. He just doesn't like it. Because, while it's "well-written" it also "wasn't for him" because "nothing is happening in it." And this is the end of Sandy. Because Hannah doesn't care if he's a Republican. She doesn't care if he's black. Hell, she doesn't even NOTICE that he's black because she doesn't see divides like that. No, she cares about the fact that he doesn't like her writing. Which, totally. If he doesn't like her essay, she should get away from him, because it won't work. Hannah can't admit that though and a very uncomfortable fight ensues wherein Hannah blames Sandy's conservatism for why she can't be with him anymore and, I think, accuses him of racism for seeing all the white women he dates as one big "blobby mass." And she quotes Missy Elliot. So, she leaves after asking if he wants sex because maybe blue balls are a thing that she doesn't want to leave him with, I guess.
Hannah comes home to see Marnie all dressed up in her new hostess uniform which makes her look like she's a "slutty Von Trapp" and basically calls Marnie a whore. Yeah, Hannah eats Cool Whip from the container and tells Marnie that she's selling out except we don't really know what from, because what exactly are Marnie's talents? Unclear at this point. But Hannah, at least, would never, ever "cash in on her sexuality." She just doesn't work that way.
And, we come to the creepy end. Wherein Adam texts Hannah twice before letting himself into Hannah's apartment so that he can apologize for sending her "such hostile songs." Adam drinks milk out of a mason jar. Hannah calls 911 and then hangs up. There's no way that won't come back to haunt her in about 2 minutes. But first! Adam tells Hannah that while he respects her decision to leave him, he can not do that because he lives a "man-life" and "to quit this pursuit would be to shirk self-respect and abandon his own manhood and that's not going to happen." Hannah tells Adam not to come back and freaks out a bit telling him to go away because what he is doing is "space rape." Finally, maybe, Adam seems to get it. He leaves and Hannah calls him back but before she can say anything there are two cops coming up the stairs looking for Hannah Horvath. Although Hannah at first denies having called 911, eventually she admits it, Adam gets mad, the cops take him away in handcuffs because of some outstanding parking tickets and Hannah crouches down in her stairwell in her pajamas that are all too similar to shorteralls, which is a term that would have earned Hannah a bajillion dollars if she had coined it. But, she didn't. And she is so, so sorry.
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