As is so often the case with freelance bloggers who write about their own drug-fueled exploits, Hannah has a book deal! Well, an ebook deal, which doesn't seem to have any contract or advance involved. But still! An editor played by John Cameron Mitchell has taken Hannah out for a meal—which, fancy—in order to ask her to write a book for him as sort of a high-low lit-world situation. Does Hannah know what "high-low" means? Sure, she says, "like Target." But in fact, Hannah will not be a high-end person slumming as in "Toni Morrison doing Target", she will instead be the "low-end" part of the deal and bring her own viewpoint to the "lost generation" she's a part of. So, wait. Hannah is actually going to be the voice of her generation? Just like she told her parents she would be wayyyyy back in the first episode of Girls ever? What a coincidence. Anyway, Hannah is told she has to write this whole book in a month, but she shouldn't worry because John Cameron Mitchell assures her, "You're my new protegée." Which, being John Cameron Mitchell's protegée is all I've personally wanted since I saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Jane Street Theater when I was 16. Much like I would have done at 16 though when presented with such an overwhelming offer, Hannah leaves the meeting and promptly throws up.
And now, after seeing Hannah throw up, we get to see a whole lot of Booth Jonathan as he lies in bed with Marnie who is avoiding Hannah's texts. Marnie dismisses the fact that Hannah claims to have important news by saying that it's probably a "new blog post or a really great hot dog she had." Marnie really managed to insult both Hannah's writing and her weight in just one sentence. Nicely done. Booth understandably asks Marnie, "Are you even friends? Why do you hang out with her still?" Marnie says something about it being "engrained," which is sad. I mean, friendships end and Hannah and Marnie never seemed to really like each other all that much, but they don't really have anybody else. These are really sad young women who don't understand that there isn't a never-ending well of people you're going to meet and that if you have a solid friendship, it's worth nurturing. Well, I kind of take that back. In life, there is kind of a never-ending well of people you meet, but when you're as awful as Hannah and Marnie are to their friends, that well dries up pretty quickly. Anyway, also what happens in this scene is that Booth fires his assistant because she ate some of his food and asks Marnie if she'll "hostess" the party he's having that night. Marnie says yes because she thinks it means he loves her, but then Marnie is kind of an idiot. Before watching this show, I had no idea so many people of below-average intelligence went to Oberlin. Except Jessa, of course. She's smart.
So, we're at Grumpy's where we see the real star of this episode—Ray. Shoshanna is trying to convince Ray to take classes at The Learning Annex, which are taught by Donald Trump. Shosh tries to convince Ray by saying, "This class gives people the tools that they need to be as happy as possible every single day of their life." To which Ray logically responds, "Why would I want that?" You see, Donald Trump can't make Ray happy. Donald Trump probably can't make anyone happy, but definitely not Ray. Ray is not doing so well.
He does, however, have the best line of the episode when he congratulates Hannah on her book deal and says he's impressed by her ambition because, "Usually when people say they want to be writers all they want to do is eat and masturbate." So true. He then asks Hannah for his copy of "Little Women" back because his godmother gave it to him and she always writes notes in the back which pertain to him and what she thinks his relationship with the book at hand is. And this makes me wonder about Ray's background, that he has such a wonderful, caring godmother that she would do that. What I mean to say is, Ray has someone who loves him in a real and helpful way. Why is Ray so damaged? Why doesn't he have any ambitions? What happened to his band? It really is a shame about Ray.
Anyway, Shoshanna doesn't get how sweet and thoughtful this is and just asks, "How exactly does your godmother think that 'Little Women' relates to your shit? Like does she think you're a Marmee or an Amy?" (Which, sidenote: I just found out that "Marmee" should be pronounced "Mommy" but that since Louisa May Alcott was from Massachussets and they talk funny, they knew not to pronounce the "r." Fascinating, right? Changes everything, right? Anyway.) The book is at Adam's, so Ray is advised to "be a man" and go get it. Also, Shoshanna think that Ray is probably "The dad who dies from influenza during the war." Which is actually not at all what happens, but whatever. I might not have known before Girls that people who went to Oberlin were of below-average intelligence, but I already knew that about people who go to NYU.
And we finally get to see Adam again. Adam is not doing so well. He's angry and making random things out of wood. He is suspicious of Ray's intentions and tells him, "I don't have time for Hannah's shit. She got me thrown in jail, did you know that? I spent the night in jail. I had to spend the night in a cell with a fucking yoga teacher." That sounds terrible. Also, Adam has a dog. That he stole because, "I felt like he wanted me to rescue him, so I did." Ray immediately insists that they return the dog and seems to get pretty excited by the idea that the dog's original owner might want to fight and that Adam will need back-up. Ray really wants to be the "extra muscle in case shit gets real?" Ah! Ray. You're such an open wound.
And thus begins Ray and Adam's odyssey to Staten Island. On the ferry, Ray comments, "This is what it must have felt like when they approached the beaches of Normandy." Which, ha. Although, I personally find those ferries to be more like sitting in a conference room, but whatever. The two men talk about women and bond. They agree that "Young girls are great. So are the older ladies. It's the in-betweens that are the problem." Ray and Adam get along because even though Ray "may intellectualize everything and [Adam] nothing" they are both honest men and "weird-looking." Beyond that, I think it's because both of them have only some of the tools that it requires to be not men exactly, but adults. In that regard, they are not unlike the girls on this show. They think they know how to be on their own but it's not working. They need help but aren't finding any. So they try to do the things that they associate with being men—whether it's making things out of wood or rescuing dogs or being philosopher/baristas—without actually creating anything substantial.
And now a brief peek into the world of Hannah and Jessa. Jessa fell asleep in the bath and emerges from the bathroom looking for a dustpan and to ask Hannah, "How's your book of shit?" Not good! Hannah handles it pretty well though and just tells Jessa that she's a bitch when she's depressed. Yes. This is clearly true. Hannah resumes staring at her blank screen.
Adam and Ray walk the streets of Staten Island and discuss their respective relationships. Ray tells Adam about Shoshanna, "I took her virginity, that's a big deal. I kind of feel like her fucking father now." Ah, Ray. Whatever makes you feel grown-up, I guess. I don't know where I see their relationship going. I still maintain that the age difference is too extreme. Also, that, you know, they're wildly fucking different. But I guess we'll see. Adam rants about how Hannah was basically a shitty Tweetie bird that he's glad he doesn't have to carry around anymore and that he's better off without her. But then Adam immediately turns on Ray, accusing him of sleeping with Hannah and also of acting "coy", and then Adam storms off, leaving Ray alone with the dog in Staten Island. Which means Ray is very, VERY alone.
So, here we are at Booth Jonathan's party. Hannah comes and is wearing a raincoat and Marnie is there and is wearing a see-through plastic dress like an idiot. Basically, no surprise here, all of Booth's friends are tools and he is a tool and Hannah is uncomfortable and feels bad about her ebook and leaves and then comes that awkward moment when Marnie finds out she's kind of a prostitute. So, basically, Booth and Marnie are getting wine and he offers to give her $500 for hosting the party. Marnie breaks into the worst fake-cry that I've ever seen. It's distracting. Like, Claire Danes's crying is distracting because it's too real, like it's hard for the viewer to process someone else experiencing that much emotion. But Alison Williams's crying is distracting because it's so bad that you wind up feeling embarrassed for her. Anyway, Marnie doesn't understand because "Usually when I think someone's my boyfriend, they're actually my boyfriend." But Booth is not her boyfriend. He was even sleeping with that assistant that he'd fired. Booth doesn't even think that Marnie likes him anyway. Like, she doesn't even know him, you know? She insists that she does like him. She tells him, "I just like everything in your life. And I like your house. I fell in love with the idea of you, like it'd be cool to know you." This is an interesting counterpoint to Hannah's experience last week, where she wanted the material aspects of Joshua's life as much as she wanted him. Marnie didn't really like Booth, she just wanted that life. She's still waiting for someone to tell her what to do. But that someone is not going to be Booth who is a whiny, crying baby who sucks and just wants people to know him or something. Shut up, Booth. If you're not flashing your ass dimples, I just don't care.
We next see Marnie in the M station, carrying her plastic dress as she heads home. She and Hannah talk on the phone, both lying to each other about how they are ok, and it's pretty sad, actually. They need each other, these two. They could be good for each other in the exact way that they're not good for themselves.
But so, we're back with Ray. Ray was not able to return the dog to its rightful owner because said owner wasn't home and the daughter of said owner was a total shithead who wouldn't take the dog back and insulted Ray about a million different ways including by calling him a "dicklicker." That was actually maybe the nicest thing she said. And the episode ends with Ray sitting on a bench, asking the dog, "You think I'm pathetic, don't you?" And then crying. Ray cries. It's pretty heart-breaking. Ray! It's not about learning to be a man. It's about learning to be a person and pursue things that you want and not just the things you feel obligated to. In other words, don't be a Laurie, Ray. Don't just wind up with Amy, who is a bit of a vapid twit. Be a Jo. Wind up with a hot German professor. I think that's probably what your godmother wrote to you in the back of "Little Women". We should all be Jo.
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