You're not totally burned on talking about Lena Dunham, are you? No? Well good. Because today, the Observer explored the hottest new trend sweeping New York, which it turns out is pretending to know (or sort of know) Lena Dunham. Ah.
Ramona Emerson — who is sure to mention in her article that she is "someone whose roommate grew up with Audrey Gelman (true story!)" — explains, "touting one’s almost-connection to Girls, no matter how tenuous (or even imagined) is de rigueur these days for anyone under 30."
Well, I don't actually know that many people who behave in this insane, terrible fashion, but when it comes to Lena Dunham trends, I'm not here to argue. In fact, I'm here to help! As such, I've taken it upon myself to compile a guide for pretending that you are connected to Girls, and therefore important. If you're going to do something, may as well do it right.
So, do you know Lena from Oberlin? From a friend of a friend (of a friend)? From childhood? Get your story lined up now, and also maybe think of an elegant way to back out of it. You know, if you guys actually meet and you have to explain yourself.
This works both as groundwork for your friendship should the two of you ever meet (you will not), and as added plausibility for your claims that you and Lena are very, very close. So, pop quiz! Who is Dunham's favorite young pop star — Selena Gomez, or Taylor Swift (hint above)? Does Lena like to party, or no? Well, Emerson's "acquaintance assured [her] that she had it on good authority that Ms. Dunham doesn’t like to drink," so put that in the ol' memory bank. After all, why cultivate your own life and interests, when you can cultivate someone else's?
If you really get lucky, she'll respond, and you'll get your very own XOJane article out of it. What could be better?
It's not enough to sound like you know Lena herself. You also have to be an expert on every single thing that happens on her show, because it's essentially about your specific life, you know. So bone up. Obviously, we have our own guide to the shooting locations, but also, think about where she might be shooting next. I'm not saying weirdly stalk her on shoots (best friends don't do that, do they?), but if you predict a scene at Silent Barn ahead of time or something, you'll seem extra credible.
This is the real answer. If you've been doing this, stop doing this. Please, please stop doing this.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.