Why? Because I'm pale, embittered, and still in my office, while everyone I know is Instagramming pictures of pool parties and free beer? Well, yes, obviously. You guys spent the morning day drinking in the sun, I spent it on a train full of jerks who wouldn't even get their fat, terrible bodies out of the way to let me off at my stop. But also, in a slow news week when everyone is out of town and partying without me, the totally monotonous use of social media really adds insult to injury.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Haters can't stop my shine, if you really care that much, don't look at Instagram this week." Nope. Ruining everyone else's fun seems like the way better option, actually. So here is how you've all been tweeting. It's the worst.
so many overweight hipsters wearing skinny jeans @ #SXSW. I don't know how or why they#donthaveajob #dontwantajob #dontknowanyonewithajob
— Anthony Gallo (@FTG_Gallo) March 13, 2013
Anybody ever notice that Hipster and Hitler are almost the same word. #sxsw.
— Tiga (@ciaotiga) March 13, 2013
Almost as fresh and appreciated as Hitler jokes.
Getting myself a taco asap. Austin I am in you #sxsw
— Jeremy Kiripolsky (@therealjeremyk) March 13, 2013
Of all of the taco stands in austin I probably picked the worst one. #sxsw #itbegins #wired
— Caroline (@imtherealcb) March 13, 2013
Phone convo: "I was going to get a taco, wanted to see if you wanted to get a taco." "Already getting tacos, come join!" #sxsw
— Rachael Levitt (@rachael_levitt) March 13, 2013
Hey guys, Texas! Tacos! Ugh. Whatever happened to just eating to survive?
So I'm looking at people's instagram pics with #GrumpyCat at #SXSW...and that cat really does not give a flying fuck!
— Chelsea Custer (@thatchelseagirl) March 14, 2013
I learned at #SXSW that Grumpy Cat earns $20k an appearance. note to self - take pictures of my pets immediately.
— Debra Borchardt (@WallandBroad) March 14, 2013
Hey, you know what other cats could use attention? The 50 million stray cats in the U.S. who have no one to care for them and will be killed if you don't adopt them. So.
Of course RT @ra_dego: yo @dillonfrancis will you sign my Taco Bell hot sauce packet at #sxsw?
— DILLON FRANCIS (@DILLONFRANCIS) March 2, 2013
Grab me a Doritos hoodie, a Slice visor, and some Vienna Sausage toe socks while you're out swagging at #sxsw. Oh, and some Pampers.
— Har Mar Superstar (@HarMarSuperstar) March 13, 2013
I AM NOT KIDDING. There's a panel at SXSW about how Oreo came up with that Super Bowl tweet. The media moment of our age.
— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) March 6, 2013
Yes, this is actually different than tweeting about tacos. Because if there's one thing SXSW, it's
music emerging artists drinking brands.
ben kingsley is killing it at the taco bell teepee. #SXSW. go gandhi!
— Digital_Leather (@digitalleather) March 13, 2013
#stonesthrow #SXSW #recognize killing it!
— $¢ (@djsmallchange) March 13, 2013
RT @jaredglassman: @statusatx @sprayground @djbabychinokilling it at SXSW!
— SPRAYGROUND (@Sprayground) March 13, 2013
"Killing" it? Really? I WISH. Aaaaaaaaaah.
Ok, I'm here. Where my friends at? #sxsw
— Steve Soboslai (@stevesoboslai) March 13, 2013
Wuts poppin today after 5 #sxsw people hit me up....
— ldotsdot (@fvckldotsdot) March 13, 2013
Just get on Tinder if the situation is really that dire.
BREAKING: The new Pope will celebrate his new papal responsibilities by partying at #SXSW tonight.
— Breathe Atlantic (@BreatheAtlantic) March 13, 2013
The new Pope will be revealed at the Taco Bell SXSW House at 5th and Red River. It will be a badge-only event. Daft Punk will also perform.
— Stelly (@Stelly) March 13, 2013
Which will have a bigger impact on the world, the smoke blown in Rome or the smoke blown in SXSW?
— Stacey Carr (@CIOscarr) March 13, 2013
Yeah, whatever, I get the humor. But you know what I hate more than too many SXSW tweets? The papacy. One of civilization's most despicable institutions.
sxsw seems like the best music festival in the country because has so many bands from nearly every genre.
— *~Juggalette~* (@Plot_Head4l) March 13, 2013
Rumor is that @kingsofleon are in town.#sxsw
— Tyler Wakstein (@theoriginalwak) March 13, 2013
If you're going to SXSW and not going to the good shows, kill yoself. #Jelly
— 卐Desiree. 卐 (@Desibear_187) March 13, 2013
Killing it, everybody. Really.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.