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But so we're back to Hannah, who isn't having sex and is in fact doing the least sexy thing ever which is calling her dad to ask for money so that she can focus on her book without worrying about the advance, thereby "restoring freedom to her process." Hannah's father refuses, though, because apparently Hannah used to make up illnesses to get out of school, including a disease which Hannah just knew she had from reading Louisa May Alcott. This is the second "Little Women" shout-out this season, which I dig because I loved that book as a kid and was pretty compelled by the idea of dying from some horrifying disease at a very young age. This is also, of course, a reminder to vaccinate your kids so that they can't pretend to get weird diseases from the 19th century. Also vaccinate them so they can't really get weird diseases from the 19th century because how pointless would that be? Herd immunity is a real thing, everyone. Don't be like Jenny McCarthy.
But Hannah's dad is not buying any of this and just calls Hannah manipulative to which she replies, "How can I be manipulating you if I don't even know I'm being manipulative?" Solid question.
Anyway, Charlie and Marnie are at brunch at Roberta's and Marnie seems so happy, which, who wouldn't be if they'd spent all night getting fucked really well? She's rambling on about how this was what she'd been trying to tell Hannah all along, that "there's an endpoint. We have our experiences and now they're behind us and we're settled down."
Charlie acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about.
Marnie gets upset and screeches, "Are you trying to tell me that we're not dating?" She then storms out, telling Charlie, "You know, I would offer to pay, but that would be insulting to you." Would it, though? Anyway, Marnie takes one last stab, framed in the doorway, asking, "So you really don't want to date me? Because this is your last chance."
Charlie, being a sucker, follows her out. At which point Marnie decides to declare her love for Charlie. And her love is gross and includes the line, "I want you...eventually I want to have your little brown babies and I want to watch you die." SHE WANTS TO HAVE HIS LITTLE BROWN BABIES. That is not a thing you fucking say to someone or even a thing you think, is it? Unless you are a gross person. Marnie is a gross person.
But, then, so is Charlie. Because this appeals to him and he says, "That's all I ever wanted to hear. I love you and maybe I'm an idiot for it, but I always have." Really, Charlie? All you EVER wanted to hear was that Marnie wanted to have your little brown babies. Ok, then. I guess you deserve each other. Just to make me hate Marnie even more, she pauses their embrace to assure him, "I just want you to know that I don't love you for your money." Haha. Yeah, right. Whatever.
So, Ray has decided that in order to impress and keep Shoshanna, he needs to become serious. He goes to talk to his boss, Colin Quinn, who I guess runs the Café Grumpy empire. Ray tells him that, in order to win back Shosh, he "wants to go back and finish up a PhD in Latin Studies."
Colin Quinn astutely comments, "Is this the girl who carries around a purse shaped like a croissant? Ray, she doesn't want a Latin scholar." So true. Colin Quinn offers Ray the opportunity to open up a brand-new Grumpy that will have two floors and a pizza oven in Brooklyn Heights.
Ray is pumped. "Brooklyn Heights is classy, I'm in. What's my title?"
And even though Colin Quinn says "manager" they both acknowledge that titles are sort of ridiculous and made up things and decide that Ray can be called "district chief logistics and operations supervisor" so that Shoshanna will just wet herself with excitement because, sure. That sounds like something she'd care at all about.