Monday, April 1, 2013

Game of Thrones: The Truth Is Either Terrible or Boring

Posted By on Mon, Apr 1, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Page 2 of 4

The three amigos.
  • The three amigos.

And we get our first (and only) sex scene of the episode! And it involves Bronn and a professional sex worker who is topless but has left her bottom on because, as she asks Bronn, "Don't you want to leave something to the imagination?" No! Bronn doesn't. And neither do we. That's why we're watching this show. However, just at that moment, Podrick Payne (Tyrion's squire who saved his life during the Battle of Blackwater) comes in to fetch Bronn because, Pod says, Tyrion told him it was "a matter of life and death." Which sounds serious.

And so we see Tyrion, inspecting his ravaged face in a mirror. It's not so bad, really. It was worse in the book. Peter Dinklage still looks great, especially if you are the kind of person who thinks that a well-placed scar holds a certain appeal, which, I am exactly that kind of person. There's a knock at the door but instead of Bronn coming to Tyrion's chambers, it's Cersei. She is afraid that Tyrion is going to "slander" her and that piece of shit Joffrey to their father. Tyrion tells her, "It's not slander if it's true."

Cersei bites back, "You're a clever man but you're still not half as clever as you think you are."

"Hm," says Tyrion, "Still makes me more clever than you."

Which, come ON you two, just fuck already. That's what all this clever banter is about, right? They want to sleep with each other? I mean, they are Lannisters.

Anyway. Cersei leaves. Bronn and Pod arrive and talk to Tyrion while walking the ramparts. Basically, Tyrion needs Bronn in his corner and Bronn reminds Tyrion that he is a sell-sword. He likes Tyrion but he likes money more. I don't know how this was "a matter of life and death" but who cares. Tyrion is always great to see.

Not so great to see? The face of Ser Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight. He does not look well. In fact, his skin looks rather like an onion's, a very moldy onion that is losing its peel. Ser Davos is stranded on a rock, and presumably fated for an ugly death, until he spots a ship which he successfully flags down.

Now here's where it gets tricky. Whose ship is it? He'll either be killed on the spot or helped. Luckily, these guys like humorless old Stannis, so when Ser Davos starts talking about how Stannis is the one true king, they let the Onion Knight climb aboard. And it turns out the ship belongs to Ser Davos's old pirate friend, Salladhor Saan. What luck! Also lucky? Salladhor helps with a little exposition. It turns out that Stannis went to his home, Dragonstone, and that he and the "Red Woman", Melisandre, have been burning lots of men alive. Because those men were servants of darkness. And Melisandre worships the Lord of Light. So that all makes sense. Ser Davos convinces Salladhor to take him there so that he can kill Melisandre. Salladhor is no fool and knows this is bound to be futile and tells Ser Davos, "When you're dead I'll gather your bones in a little sack and let your widow wear them around her neck." Because that's what friends are for.

And so here we are at Harrenhal. Robb Stark has arrived with his army and they are all hoping to find Lannisters to fight, but instead? They find lots of dead bodies. The blood dripping from the bodies is still fresh. That's why it drips instead of, like, congealing. Gross. Everyone is appropriately horrified. They want revenge! Especially against the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister, who Catelyn Stark set free. Robb Stark is keeping his mother as a "prisoner" but it doesn't look like it will be enough to appease his men. But, oh, look! Someone's alive! Among all those dead men at Harrenhal, one little old man survived. His name is Qyburn. Will he be important? Of course he will be! You don't get a name if you're not going to be important.

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