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So, now here we are with Tyrion and Tywin Lannister for a little father/son bonding. Or, you know, not. The best thing I can say about Tywin in this scene is that it turns out that he has lovely handwriting. It all goes downhill from there. (And who exactly was he writing to? I need to know.) Anyway, Tyrion makes small talk, or tries to. He really just seems to want his father's praise, but, well, has he ever met his father? It doesn't seem like he has. Despite all of Tyrion's accomplishments, Tywin just says to him, "You spent your days as you always have, bedding harlots and drinking with thieves." Ouch.
"Occasionally I drank with the harlots," says Tyrion, but it's got no edge. When Tyrion loses his edge, it's bad.
"What do you want, Tyrion?" Tywin asks.
"Why does everyone assume I want something?"
Because you do! We all do. And what Tyrion wants is the family seat, Casterly Rock. Unfortunately, his father would rather be "consumed by maggots" than let that happen. So, Tywin hurls a few more insults at Tyrion, calling him, "an ill-made spiteful little creature full of envy, lust and low cunning" and telling Tyrion to "Get. Out. Now." For good measure, he also says that he will hang any whore that he finds in Tyrion's bed, so maybe things aren't looking so good for Shae.
Oh! And look who it is! It's Shae and Sansa and they are looking at boats in the harbor and Sansa wants to play a game where they concoct fantastical stories about where the ships are headed but Shae is not really into using her imagination and asks, "Why should I make up a story when I already know the truth?"
"Because the truth is either terrible or boring." Smart girl, Sansa!
Anyway, who should approach but Littlefinger. He is terrible and snake-like as always and lies to Sansa that he saw Arya. He further tempts Sansa with the offer of escaping with him. And we'll see where this goes. I don't like it. You know who else doesn't like it? Ros. Wonderful, wonderful Ros. She works for Littlefinger now and warns Shae, "Watch out for Sansa. Watch out for her with him."
Ser Davos arrives at Drangonstone to see Stannis and the Lady Melisandre. Predictably, Davos is blamed for the loss at Blackwater because he prevented Melisandre from joining them when they went to fight. He is thrown in the dungeons. Perhaps Salladhor better find a sack to collect all of Davos's bones. They will be all burnt up, so it needn't be too big of a sack.
And what about that little shit Joffrey? Can we forget that he exists? Sadly, no. He is busy being a little shit, but his betrothed, Margaery Tyrell is up to some interesting things. While Joffrey is carted through the dirty streets of Fleabottom, Margaery walks freely, smiling beneficently on those around her. She visits and talks with orphans. Everyone loves her. She gives out food. Joffrey is intrigued and this manifests itself later at a dinner between that little shit Joffrey, Margaery, her brother Ser Loras, and Cersei. Margaery plays the saint while Cersei seems more and more like an ogre. And she seems to be losing control of Joffrey because he has become invested in Margaery, who will soon be queen. You can basically see Cersei sweat through her armored dress.
And now, finally. Dragons! They swoop and fly over the boat that carries Daenerys Targaryen, Ser Jorah Mormont, and dozens of seasick Dothraki. The dragons are a fucking delight as they catch fish and then burn them alive before eating them whole. No sushi for them! Dany is about to dock in Astapor, a slave city, where Ser Jorah wants her to buy an army of "Unsullied" so that she can fight for Westeros. The Unsullied are castrated slaves who are reputed to be the best warriors there are, but Dany doesn't want to be in the slave-trading game and wonders how good any purchased army can be.
Her wariness seems justified when the slaver who is trying to sell her the army repeatedly calls her a whore in High Valyrian, while having his translator simultaneously flatter Dany. What a dick. For calling her a whore, sure, but also because he reveals what it takes to become an Unsullied man. In order to "earn his shield" each man must go to the slave market and murder a baby in front of its mother, and then pay the slave-owner a silver coin for the loss of the baby. And also, to prove how tough the Unsullied are, he cuts off one guy's nipple! That has to fucking sting. As you can imagine, Daenerys is not too sure she wants to be a part of this. But Ser Jorah tries to convince her that it's the only way and that the Unsullied will still be there even if she doesn't buy them, and maybe they will one day fight against her. Dany doesn't seem to want to think about this and instead starts aimlessly following a cute little girl who is playing with a ball.
Unfortunately, that girl turns out to be a creepy warlock who tries to kill Dany with a hideous scorpion hidden inside the ball. Children are the worst. How does Dany survive? She survives thanks to the help of a hooded stranger who reveals himself to be none other than Ser Barristan Selmy, formerly of the Kingsguard. Ser Jorah looks skeptical that Ser Barristan, who had until recently served King Robert and King Joffrey, is truly loyal, but Ser Barristan swears that he is. And I guess we'll find that out soon enough because the credits start rolling and it feels like we've only just begun. Where's Jamie? Where's Arya? And Brienne? There's so much to cover!
And who were the winners and losers of this week's episode?