Oh, young people. Every time you think they've reached a collective low point, something like "the Condom Challenge" happens, reminding us anew that there is truly no bottom to the depths to which teenagers can plummet on the internet.
Instead of trying to snort condoms up our noses and expel them through our mouths, can't we all just stick to the Applesauce Challenge, like adults? Or at the very least, find a better use for condoms, a historically important invention that never did anything to deserve this kind of ill treatment? Since it looks like we all need one, here's a quick refresher on their many excellent uses that have nothing to do with any of this nonsense. You can save those tender nasal passages for drugs, furtive picking, and functional breathing/smelling.
While some people (the weak, the unprepared, the soon-to-be-dead etc.) may disagree on the need for a full-on "bug out bag" in your day-to-day arsenal, it's pretty widely accepted wisdom that a condom is a good thing to have in any basic first aid or travel kit. In a pinch, they hold tons of water, which is great for camping, and situations in which you are unexpectedly stranded! This also brings us to...
For non-emergency, "fun" situations. They can probably hold more and break less easily than a regular water balloon, anyway, meaning more bang for your buck as far as inflicting maximum pain and water saturation on your opponents.
Sartorial 90's nostalgia is hot right now, we hear. Jump on this trend while the jumping's still good, or something.
Hey, an oldie, but a goodie!
In my day (ugh), before YouTube even existed, schools still did that thing where they make you put a condom on a banana (in front of your classmates! aaaaaaugh!) in the hopes of teaching you proper technique. Embarrassing, but effective.
Last night I was watching New York 1 (as I do whenever I'm privileged enough to be in the same room as a television), and they had a great feel-good feature on Jason Hackenwerth, who makes these insane, strangely beautiful sculptures out of balloons. Not that we advocate stealing intellectual property from hardworking artists, but if you wanted to make something similar out of condoms, just for fun, you totally could. And see? No one's face is any worse for the wear. Perfect.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.