Monday, April 15, 2013

Game of Thrones: Maybe Jaime Lannister's Left-Handed?

Posted By on Mon, Apr 15, 2013 at 9:15 AM

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  • Jaimmmmeeee

So, before we get to the shocking, jaw-dropping ending, we will pay one last visit to King's Landing. Tyrion goes to get the accounting ledgers from Littlefinger and, of course, Littlefinger keeps them in his brothel. Littlefinger goes on being creepy as ever, even insinuating that it was he who told Cersei that Roz was Tyrion's whore, thus leading to the brutal beating that Roz got last season. Littlefinger fully deserves the name that Bronn has given him, "Lord Twat Beard." It suits him well, I think.

While they're at the brothel, Tyrion decides to thank Pod for saving his life by aiding him in the loss of his virginity. There are not one, not two, but THREE women who will help relieve Pod of his innocence. It's a lot like that scene in Almost Famous, only the Band-Aids in that movie didn't know how to do the "Meereeneese Knot," a yogic-move that is really quite impressive. Later, Pod returns to Tyrion and Bronn and tells them that the women refused to accept his money because his magic penis is just that magical. Bronn says, in disbelief, "These ladies enjoyed you so much they gave you the time for free?" And I laughed because "giving someone the time" is a euphemism for sex that I have only ever heard while reading "The Catcher in the Rye." And I can totally see how Bronn is a Salinger fan.

So, well, in other news, Theon is fucked. Almost literally. He has been hunted down. Arrows whiz by his head, but he can't avoid the man with the mace, who knocks him to the forest ground in a particularly brutal way. And the pain isn't over for Theon, it seems, because he is told to pull down his pants so that he can get "fucked into the dirt." Until! What's this? The servant boy who freed Theon shoots the others with arrows and helps Theon up and they ride off. Before dying, the man who was so intent on fucking Theon into the dirt, looks at the servant boy and proclaims, "You little bastard."

And, finally, we are with Brienne and Jaime, who are tied to trees by their captors. It is night and, just like Jaime predicted, the men come to take Brienne away and rape her. She struggles and fights and it appears doubtful that things will go well for her. Jaime looks pensive before calling out, "You know who she is, don't you? Heard of Tarth? They call it Sapphire Isle."

Oh, Jaime. Why are you THE BEST?

Jaime tells the man in charge that Brienne's father will surely pay them her weight in sapphires if she's returned unharmed and undefiled. Jaime goes on to say that his own father will pay a hefty sum in gold as long as Jaime escapes alive. This seems to be working at first, but sadly, Jaime gets cocky as fuck. And he pays for it. Oh, shit, does he pay for it. The head captor (who is supposed to be Vargo Hoat but I don't know if that's ever said) flings Jaime's head down on a chopping block and puts the tip of his knife right up against Jaime's eye.

"You're nothing without your daddy," says the knife-weiding captor, "and your daddy ain't here."

And he pulls the knife away from Jaime's eye, and we all breathe a sigh of relief. Until he brings the knife back up and then swings it down on Jaime's wrist. Jaime can't believe it. We can't believe it. And then Jaime screams. Good-bye, Jamie's right hand.

And then, what? The Hold Steady do a rollicking, clattering version of "The Bear and the Maiden Fair," and once again, Game of Thrones proves that it's the best. And that it loves Brooklyn bands.

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