Monday, April 22, 2013

5 More Things We Should Keep Away From Teenagers

Posted By on Mon, Apr 22, 2013 at 1:36 PM

What, the one store that sells to you was out of cloves today? Ugh.
  • What, the one store that sells to you was out of cloves today? Ugh.

Earlier today, Christine Quinn proposed legislation that would raise the legal cigarette-buying age to 21 from 18, in a bid to keep smokes out of the grubby, nicotine-stained little hands of teenagers.

This seems fine, mainly because it doesn't affect me in any way. But also, because it makes it harder for teenagers to do what they do best, which is act like destructive, noisy jerks who want to make life worse for everyone, including themselves. If anything, Quinn's legislation doesn't go far enough! How productive and harmonious could we be, as a city, if its pimple-having, dubstep-listening, stupid furry hat-wearing residents were kept on a tighter leash? It's hard to guess, empirically, but I'd say "much more than we are now." So, in the ongoing, necessary crackdown on teenagers, we've come up with a few jumping-off points. Ideally, to be written into law immediately.


MetroCards (and all public transport)

Have you ever accidentally gotten on the train in the late afternoon, and had to listen to a bunch of screaming young people? It's like, GET OFF. MY. TRAIN. Oh, don't get that cool, timely cultural reference? Because you're too young and stupid? Yep, thought so. OFF.


The Internet

The cinnamon challenge, the knife game, the milk challenge, whatever it is they do on social networks, whatever it is they do on LiveJournal, if any of them still use that. It is all deeply embarrassing and ill-advised. Now, if people are actually landing in the hospital from the cinnamon challenge, I'd almost be inclined to chalk that up to a healthy extension of natural selection. But then, you think about the joy (and idiocy!) that could be prevented if youths were just kept away from the internet altogether, and it's pretty irresistible.

Why are you like this.
  • Why are you like this.


Granted, the problems posed by under-21-year-olds having camera access would be mitigated quite a bit if they were already prevented from using the internet. But they'd still be able to take selfies, and send Snapchats or whatever it is that they do. Best to nip it in the bud.


Public Pools

Remember all the trouble at the McCarren Pool last summer? Like 99.9% of which was caused by teenagers? We do. They've proven they don't deserve access to this refreshing, spacious public amenity, and it should absolutely be taken away from them. Go sit in a bathtub full of cold water or something, you little jerk.

Do you know how startling this is to walk next to? Think about your actions for once.
  • Do you know how startling this is to walk next to? Think about your actions for once.


Yeah, I know we said they couldn't use public transportation, so logic might dictate that they should at least be able to drive a car, or, god forbid, a skateboard. Nope. Nothing with wheels. Too bad, so sad. Maybe if they have to walk everywhere, they'll get tired, and shut the fuck up for once. Or better yet, never leave the house at all. Unless it's for a sex-ed class. Those, they should keep.

Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.

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