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I'm not the only one who think Jaime is the best. Cersei is visiting her father as he works. Tywin seems annoyed by her mere presence. Clearly, he never participated in "Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work-Day" which was a big thing in the 90s. I guess, though, that Westeros never really went through "the 90s" per se.
Anyway, Cersei wants to know if Tywin is trying to rescue Jaime, and Tywin points out that when Tyrion was kidnapped by Catelyn Stark, he started a war.
Tywin adds, "If I would start a war for that lecherous little stump, what do you think I would do for my oldest son and heir?"
"Whatever you can," Cersei says.
"Whatever I can," says Tywin. Which, "whatever I can" seems to mean writing a lot of letters. I'm dying to know what's in those letters. I feel like other people might also be dying because of what's in those letters, only, you know, literally dying. Tywin doesn't fuck around. He's into revenge.
He's not so into his daughter, however, and says, "You're still here. Why?"
"Did it ever occur to you that your daughter might have the most to contribute to your legacy?"
"Alright," Tywin says. "Contribute."
"The Tyrells are a problem. Margaery has her claws in Joffrey. She knows how to manipulate him." Cersei has clearly been waiting to say this and hopes Tywin will act.
He does. But not in the way she thinks he will. He says, "Good. I wish you knew how to manipulate him. I don't distrust you because you're a woman. I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are." Way harsh, Ty. Next you're going to say Cersei is a virgin who can't drive.
And so now we're with the Queen of Thorns who is hilariously pissing all over her house's sigil as being pathetic and wishing that House Tyrell has something better than a gold rose and the motto: "Growing Strong." Boring! The Queen of Thorns says, "'Winter is coming,' now that's memorable." True! Why does she always speak the truth? Because she's the best.
And who should be coming to visit her but Varys. Earlier, Ros told Varys that Littlefinger would soon be heading off to the Eyrie. Ros thinks that Littlefinger will be smuggling Sansa with him. Varys is no fool and realizes that, if Robb Stark dies, Littlefinger will have the heir to the North in his possession. Varys is also aware that the Queen of Thorns had a little sit down with Sansa not so long ago.
Varys asks the Queen of Thorns, "You've taken an interest in Sansa Stark?"
"Why shouldn't I take an interest in her? She's an interesting girl," says the Queen.
Varys replies, "Is she?"
"No, not particularly." Hahahhahaa. I love these two.
Varys warns the Queen of Thorns that Littlefinger probably wants to marry Sansa and that his can't be done because Littlefinger would destroy all of Westeros just so he could be king of the ashes. But the Queen of Thorns is not worried because apparently there's a rather obvious solution.
And that solution? Well, it's that Sansa marry Loras Tyrell. This suggestion is brought to the lovely—if rather easily manipulated—Sansa by Margaery. Margaery assures Sansa that it should be done because then they would be sisters and then Sansa can live in Highgarden and leave the Capitol. Sansa practically cries with happiness. She's almost free. I'm sure this will go well. (I don't think it will AT ALL.)
And back North of the Wall, the men from the Night's Watch are dying because Craster isn't feeding them. Things are pretty miserable. In a land of terrible places, this looks like one of the worst. And it's about to all go further downhill. One of the men of the Night's Watch calls Craster a bastard. Craster, as it turns out, is pretty sensitive to the word "bastard." I mean, aren't we all? Craster, though, threatens to cut off the hand of anyone who calls him that again. And so, of course, someone calls him a "daughter-fucking wildling bastard" and Craster charges. Craster dies in a terrible way and then Mormont is killed and then it's total fucking mayhem and Sam escapes with a sword. Sam goes for Gilly and the baby. They run off into the snow. Where are they going to go? I don't know! I just know that the one really dickish Night's Watch guy said he would kill Sam the first chance he got. Good luck out there, Sam and Gilly! You'll really, really need it.
And so, Arya! The Brotherhood is traveling with Arya, who has a hood on her head so that she can't see where they're going, which is a cave. Where is this place? "Somewhere," we are told, "where neither wolves nor lions come prowling." So, I have no idea. The woods, I guess.
In breaking news, the Hound is still a jerk. But now he is a jerk on trial. Ser Beric Dondarrion, who, if you remember, Ned Stark sent to kill the Mountain a long time ago, is now part of the Brotherhood and wants to bring to justice those who committed heinous crimes. The Hound denies having killed innocents, saying that he is not his brother. But Arya reminds everyone of her friend Micah, who the Hound butchered after Arya struck Joffrey. So, yeah. The Hound, for all his charm, is not exactly innocent. Ser Beric declares, "You stand accused of murder, I sentence you to trial by combat." And that's the end of that, but I have a feeling it'll get pretty, pretty exciting next week.