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Oh, Jaime! Brienne and Jaime have arrived at Harrenhal, which is under the command of Roose Bolton, a Northern bannerman. Jaime has one question for him, "Lord Bolton, is there word from the capitol?"
It's clear that all Jaime wants to know is if Cersei is ok. Bolton is no fool and tortures Jaime by implying that Cersei succumbed to something or someone terrible when Stannis attacked King's Landing, drawing out the words, "And your sister, how shall I put this...your sister is alive and well."
Jaime collapses with relief when he hears this and Bolton says to take Jaime to Qyburn, who was the lone survivor of Harrenhal when the Northmen entered. Qyburn was a maester, and trained in the arts of medicine, though the Citadel had stripped him of his chain because some of his experiments were "too bold." That doesn't sound too good. We see Jaime's stump, which, I don't want to see the stump ever, ever again. Qyburn assures Jaime that he will survive but that he needs to clean up the wound.
He tells Jaime, "You'll need milk of the poppy."
"No milk of the poppy," says our valiant hero.
"There'll be pain," says Qyburn.
"Quite a bit of pain," Qyburn says this with some slight relish.
"I'll scream loudly," Jaime practically bites the words out.
And that is why Jaime is number one on my list of hottest Game of Thrones men. And number two and three. Khal Drogo is four. And then Jaime is five. Then the list ends.
Anyway, moving on. Cersei and Littlefinger walk together, Cersei, as per usual, is bitching about the Tyrells and their supposed power plays. Littlefinger suggests she go to her father with her complaints. Of course, Cersei already has gone to Tywin, who didn't give two shits about her.
"My father's a practical man. He appreciates facts," says Cersei.
"Myself, I often find them a hindrance." So true, Littlefinger. But that is why you're a sociopath. These two! Always trying to fuck other people over. And, later, when Littlefinger figures out that Sansa is meant to wed Loras Tyrell, you can't help but feel terrible for Sansa, who is just hopelessly at the whims of every person around her.
We leave Cersei and Littlefinger for what ought to have been a great meeting of the minds—the Queen of Thorns and Tyrion Lannister!!! What wonderful things do they have to talk about? The wedding? Boring. And money? Boring. Why waste a scene between these two? Is this scene going to be a total waste?
Of course not! This scene is amazing because it is a total smackdown! The Queen of Thorns totally shows Tyrion that she knows what's up and that the Lannisters are helpless without the Tyrells. She also tells Tyrion to shut up about what an extravagance the wedding is because, she points out, "The people are hungry for more than just food. They crave distractions. And if we don't provide them, they'll create their own. And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces. A royal wedding is much safer, wouldn't you say?"
"I would." Tyrion is gobsmacked.
"And it's traditionally paid for by the royal family," says the Queen of Thorn, and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
Tyrion can't even say anything, he just grimaces. I repeat, Tyrion can't even say anything. The Queen of Thorns has rendered him speechless. Amazing.
And then she says this, "I was told you were drunk, impertinent and throughly debauched. You can imagine my disappointment in finding nothing but a brow-beaten bookkeeper." Best. Burn. Ever.
She then says that House Tyrell will pay for half the costs of the wedding and with a dismissive, "Is that sufficient?" bids Tyrion good day and sweeps out of the room. At home, I started clapping. Because she's the best. Amazing.