Monday, May 13, 2013

Game of Thrones: Jaime, Brienne, and the Bear. Oh. And Theon Gets Castrated.

Posted by on Mon, May 13, 2013 at 9:45 AM

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We are now at Harrenhal and we see Brienne in her dress, her awful, ill-fitting pink dress. Jaime enters her room to say goodbye. He is leaving the following day, as is Roose Bolton, who is going to Edmure Tully's wedding instead of to King's Landing with Jaime. Brienne will be staying with Locke. You know, Locke, the guy who CUT OFF JAIME'S HAND. This doesn't sound promising. Neither Jaime nor Brienne seem to think it is going to end well either, and talk as if they will never see each other again. Brienne reminds Jaime that her one duty to Catelyn Stark was to make sure Jaime got to King's Landing and, since it looks like he will get there, she can feel that her mission has been accomplished. However, she asks Jaime if he will do what he promised to Catelyn. He answers quite sincerely, "I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it."

"Goodbye, Ser Jaime," Brienne says.

Jaime rides out of Harrenhal, and Locke sneers at him, "Don't you worry about your friend, we'll take good care of her." Jaime is definitely worried, but keeps moving.

But before the craziness of Harrenhal, we will experience just a fraction of the true lunacy that Theon is dealing with. And, you know, Theon is definitely one of the least sympathetic characters, but watching Theon get tortured like this is like actually being tortured yourself. Well, or not. Because we're not actually getting parts of our bodies cut right off. But so anyway, after a tracking shot that shows the flayed skin on Theon's extremities, we see that Theon is now being cared for now by two beautiful women. His skin is really a mess though. It has been flayed in many, many places. But not all the places! Oh, no. There seems to be one more place left. But first, as tends to happen in torture pits, both women get naked and start to have sex with Theon. There is a lot of sexy talk about how Theon is "famous for his cock" and that everyone talks about it. Which, really? Is that all part of the mind game? It's so weird.

It gets weirder though because, out of nowhere, a horn blows. And, no, that's not a euphemism. It's Theon's captor, who disrupts everything with his trumpet and then whacks Theon in the face with it. Then, the guy pulls out his flaying knife and says, "Your famous cock must be so precious to you. Would you say it's your most precious part?"

"Mercy. Mercy, please." Theon is scrambling around on the floor, trying to get away. But he can't. He will never escape this hellhole.

His tormenter explains, "This is mercy. I'm not killing you, I'm just making a few alterations." Goodbye, Theon's famous cock. Goodbye.

And, so, up north, the wildlings continue to make their way to Castle Black and Orell the Warg tells Ygritte that he loves her, which, weird. Orell, dude, YOU JUST CUT HER ROPE AND ALMOST KILLED HER ON THE WALL. If that's your kind of foreplay, you're screwed here. Jon Snow likes to give Ygritte oral and he does cool things with his tongue. No contest, really.

But now, Ygritte and Jon are alone and Ygritte is amazed by the beautiful architecture of a windmill, thinking it's a palace. This naïveté reminds Jon Snow that the wildlings don't really know what they're in for. He tells her, "If you attack the Wall, you'll die. All of you."

"All of us," she reminds him. He's one of them now. Jon Snow reluctantly agrees. And Ygritte goes further, saying, "You're mine because I'm yours. And if we die, we die. But first we'll live." They make out. It's pretty hot. I really don't want anything bad happening to either one of them.

Also on the road are Jaime and Qyburn, who are having a little tête-à-tête over Jaime's wounded stump, which is healing quite nicely because Qyburn successfully "stymied the corruption." We also learn that Qyburn had his maester's chain taken away because he was performing experiments on living men, or as Qyburn puts it, "dying men." Jaime is contemptuous and so Qyburn asks him, "How many men did you kill?" They agree that the number is probably "countless," so Qyburn self-righteously follows up with, "And how many men did you save?"

Ugh, don't be so fucking smug, Qyburn. You were the Mengele of Westeros.

But Qyburn doesn't even have much of a chance to be a dick because Jaime quickly says, "Half a million, the population of King's Landing." That's right, Jaime, you awesome, awesome man.

Jaime wonders about what will happen to Brienne, if her father has tried to ransom her. It turns out he has, but that Locke turned the offer down because it wasn't enough money. Because Jaime had once convinced Locke that Brienne came from a place rich in sapphires, Locke now expects a ransom of jewels instead of just three hundred gold pieces. Oops. Qyburn tells Jaime, "She'll be their entertainment tonight. Beyond tonight they won't really care very much."

Jaime doesn't hesitate: they're returning to Harrenhal. One of his escorts balks but Jaime tells him that they are going, and if there's any argument, when the time comes, Jaime will tell Tywin Lannister that this escort was responsible for Jaime's missing hand. So off they go!

And just in time! Because Brienne is in a pit fighting a bear with a wooden sword. A WOODEN SWORD. A BEAR.

Poor Brienne looks small. So small. The bear destroys her sword and swipes at her neck. Jaime jumps right into the pit. "Get behind me!" he shouts. "I will not." she answers. But she does. The escort that Jaime threatened shoots an arrow into the bear, which helps, but only momentarily. Jaime helps Brienne climb out and finally manages to clamber out himself. There's a few tense moments with that jackass Locke who says, "The bitch stays." But Jaime insists, "We're taking her to King's Landing." He also tells Locke that Roose Bolton would much rather keep Tywin Lannister happy than anything else. Which seems to imply that Jaime is starting to figure out a thing or two about Roose Bolton.

They leave Harrenhal, but not before Jaime can get in one last word, "Well, we must be on our way. Sorry about the sapphires." This time, there's nothing Locke can do about it. Suck it, Locke.

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