Monday, May 13, 2013

Sex, Love, and Brooklyn: Cum On My Tits and Other Sex Habits of the Highly Effective Man

Posted By on Mon, May 13, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Charm, personified.
  • Charm, personified.

The other night I was having coffee with an older writer. He is known for his Don Draper charm, his good looks, and the bachelorhood requisite to this kind of allure. He is also notorious for having been called a “toxic cad” in print by a female writer. He is the kind of man who then put the quote on his website. I'd like to think we are kindred spirits. So when I told him a story about a recent one night stand, I was shocked to hear him say, “Lacy, a friend of mine recently started therapy, and his therapist told him not to have sex with anyone until 15 dates in. I think maybe you should do the same.”

Hold up.

15 dates?! My own therapist has told me to slow down before, but I thought that meant keeping my underwear on when I made out with someone on the couch. And, look, I know that part of my fear of witholding sex is that my partner won't stick around for the whole fifteen dates. I mean, how will I be able to maintain someone's interest for 15 dates without doing it? Which, if you go out twice a week means you'd be seeing someone for a period of 8 weeks or 2 whole months.

When I expressed my total disbelief in this system, my writer friend responded, “Look at it this way, after 3 or 4 dates you only think you know someone. But after 15 dates you really, really know someone.”

His words startled me, but I wasn't sure that I totally believed him. On the walk home, I started a counter-argument in my head.

“Yeah," I thought. "You might know they're really bad at tipping, or that they hate their mother for cheating on their dad and breaking up the family, or you might find out that they pretend to like pretentious movies like The Decalogue, but all they really want to see is The Big Wedding. After you find all that out though, how do you find out about the other stuff? The important stuff!”

I mean, isn't sex just another type of conversation? Aren't the things we find out during sex as importnat as the things we find out through talking to one another? Isn't the way we treat each other physically just as important as they we treat each other intellectually? I think so. Definitely!

Also, if you like-like someone, shouldn't you figure out if you're sexually compatible before you go ahead and fall in love with them, only to eventually realize that you're both subs and so it'll never work out? These are important things to factor into this whole wait-two-months-before0having-sex thing.

Later, when I brought this up to the writer, he made the adult argument that although sex might have a lot to do with chemistry, a truly strong and lasting sexual connection depends on having an open dialogue and an open mind. Blah, blah blah.

While I guess he has a point, I'm just not ready to throw in my “stay in bed with me all weekend” towel, so I'm going to avoid this maybe more emotionally mature approach for now. The things is, I still like learning about people through all the hints they give me in the bedroom. But that doesn't mean I don't want to learn about the person that I'm sleeping with. I do want to learn! I just want to learn through sex instead of through conversation. So, with this in mind I came up with a list of 5 sex habits that are indicators of who you are outside the bedroom.

1) You're a Butt Man, But You Want to Cum On My Tits

I love butt men. I have a huge ass, and it takes a certain type of fellow to get down with me. I don't have cankles, but Robert Crumb would still have been a huge fan of mine. So I give you props when I know you are aching to dry hump my ass, but you take it to the front. Especially if it's the first time we're fooling around. It means you like looking in my eyes, and you like performing—both things I can get behind. Whereas, when you're a tit man and you want to cum on my derrière, it's because you are a baby who suffers from performance anxiety.

2)You Get Weird

There is nothing I love more than someone getting what they want in bed, and I live to be the person that gives it to them. If you feel comfortable and confidant in asking for what you want, it's a sure sign you're comfortable and confident in your own skin. An ex-boyfriend asked to lick my armpits the first time we were doing it, and he is the most self assured lover/person I have ever met.

3) You Talk Too Much or Too Little

Something that definitely flips my switch is dirty talk, especially when you tell me how much you've been thinking about me. This is how you know I'm a narcissist. However, I don't want you to go overboard. I had an ex who chatted right through our sexy time, and only ever responded to my verbal clues. I discovered after a few nights with him that I literally had to tell him yes or no to what I liked for every last little thing, and that he couldn't ever read my facial expressions or even respond to guttural sounds. This bled into our everyday life. He was never able to see where I was coming from and I realized he lacked empathy, which is why we shouldn't underestimate the importance of body language.

4) You Go Down on Me for Far Too Long

I like cunnilingus as much as the next lady, though I will be honest and say it never brings me to orgasm. It's much more something I enjoy in a foreplay scenario. However, it's still very sexy when a dude loves the taste of pussy. BUT—and this is a big BUT—if you spend too much time going down on me and you're not reading the signs that I'm over it, then I know you don't love pussy, you just have an ego the size of Mt. Rushmore. I hate it when guys proclaim how much they're gonna make you cum and squirt. I hate it even more when they try to prove it. If you can't see that I am no longer enjoying your tongue, and that, in fact, it's starting to feel like sandpaper, and that my back has stopped arching and my eyes have the far away look of someone making a grocery list in their head, then how are we ever going to be able to have a conversation outside the bedroom? I don't want you to read my mind, but I do want you to try to please me because I like it, not because you want to show off. Sex is about two people enjoying each other. It's not one man's mission to bring every lady to their knees.

5) You Bring A Condom

Most guys—good, bad or ugly—never bring condoms. They think they'll offend us, or somehow jinx the whole thing. For the record, I would not judge any guy who brings a condom. I would applaud him, standing ovation style, roses thrown on the stage, screaming Encore! at the top of my lungs. I am so damn tired of being in charge of the safe sex that affects us both. Just once I would like to meet a man who had a pack of condoms on him. Then I would marry him. Clearly, that stint in the Boy Scouts worked out for him. This is a man who is always prepared, whether it's for our impromptu quickie, for the cash-only bar, or for the time we get locked out of the house without cellphone reception.

Sex isn't everything in a relationship. I know it's not the only way to communicate, really, I do. And I know I need to slow my roll down in order to create a physical connection out of an emotional one. I've been paying attention in my therapy visits! Yet I stand by my belief that you can tell if you're with the type of guy who would cook you dinner after you got fired just from where he chooses to come on your body.

Follow Lacy Warner on twitter @laceoface

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