So, there I was today, minding my own business, getting coffee while on my way to work, when I was basically assaulted by the cover of today's Daily News, which featured a picture of disgraced politician Vito Lopez and the headline "Feel My Tumor." Which, what? Gross! What did that even refer to? Oh, that was a pick-up line Lopez used when sexually harassing his employees? Apparently so! The News reports, "Vito Lopez is alleged to have demanded his female aides to rub his tumorous growths." Whyyyyy would anyone ever say that in an attempt to, like, seduce someone? I don't know! But then, I am no expert in the art of seduction. However, even I know enough to know that asking someone to TOUCH YOUR TUMOR certainly ranks as one of the worst pick-up lines of all time. But you know what? Politicians are actually full of terrible pick-up lines, so I figured why not round up the absolute worst. And these aren't all just pick-up lines. No, some of these are pick-up tactics, the subtle moves (like tweeting dick-pics) that are the mating calls of a very specific type of person. Not all terrible pick-up lines or pick-up moves are created equal, however. Some of these are part of consensual relationships and some of these are straight up sexual harassment. But all of them share one thing in common. They are totally repellent and sort of prove that politicians are absolutely the worst people on earth. Even worse than writers! Much worse.
Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer was forced to leave office in disgrace following the revelation that he had frequented prostitutes and spent tens of thousands of dollars for their services. And all of that was scandalous! Really. But even more scandalous? The news that Spitzer always kept his socks on when he was doing the deed. Lame move, Spitzer. Even when you're paying for sex, you should have some class. Take the socks off.
Ok, so while not technically a politician, O'Reilly definitely has a lot of opinions on political things and also, the stuff he's credited with having said while hitting on the ladies is up there in the "Feel my tumor" class of awesomeness. O'Reilly, while attempting to woo his television show's associate producer, Andrea Mackris, described a fantasy in which she took a shower and scrubbed herself with both a "loofah-thing" and a "falafel." FALAFEL. Slick move, O'Reilly. How did that work out for you? Oh, you got sued? Cool! You definitely deserved it.
Former governor of South Carolina and current congressman from the same state, Mark Sanford, had an extramarital affair with a woman who is now his fiancée, and some of the letters that he wrote to her became public. On the one hand, these letters are sort of undeniably romantic. On the other, they are also undeniably cheesy. And so they can still be classified as some of the worst pick-up moves of all time. They probably only even worked because the woman he was targeting didn't speak English as a first language. At least, that's what I have to believe. Anyway, here's a sample line: "you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ..." Way to overuse the word "magnificent." Terrible.
Former governor of California and star of the underrated film The Last Action Hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger is no stranger to sex scandals. His most notorious scandal is the one where he had a child with one of the members of his household staff. Oops! But also, Schwarzenegger has had a history of sexually harassing women, much of which came to light in the 2003 incident known as "Gropegate," wherein Schwarzenegger was accused of having pulled a woman "onto his lap and asked whether a certain sexual act had ever been performed on her." So, that's terrible and not the best pick-up move in the world. But it would probably have been even worse if he had resorted to his old schpiel about his favorite genocidal dictator: "I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power. I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for what he did with it." Oh, Arnold! Go back to making movies. Or don't. Who cares anymore. No one.
Former US senator from Idaho, Larry Craig was arrested in an airport bathroom for "lewd conduct" because he had adapted a "wide stance" and "tapped his foot" several times in an attempt to solicit sex from a fellow bathroom-goer. This strikes me as one of the worst pick-up moves of all time. Can it be effective? Sure? I don't know. Maybe. But, also, gross! Because, public bathrooms. Ew. Do better, Larry Craig.
Ah, Bill. We all know this story, right? Actually, there were a lot of sex scandal stories surrounding the former President, but we're just going to focus on the worst pick-up move that, yes, might have worked, but never should have been attempted in the first place. Which move is that? The one where he asked his intern, Monica Lewinsky, to masturbate with a cigar. I mean, no. Bill! You also gave her Leaves of Grass. That's such a good pick-up move! Why sink so low as to resort to the cigar. Awful. Also, apparently Yasser Arafat was waiting for you in the Rose Garden? That's just rude.
John Edwards might have fallen farther and more quickly than any other political figure on this list. But he totally deserves all the shame and scorn that have been heaped upon him since his affair with Rielle Hunter became public so many years ago. I mean, the dude's wife was fighting cancer. Have a little class, John Edwards! Just a little. But whatever, it happened. And how did it start? Well, with one of the lamest pick-up lines of all time. It wasn't actually said by Edwards. It was said by Hunter. But still. She told him, "You're so hot." That's all it took. Which, pathetic. Those two totally deserved each other.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was accused of sexual harassment twenty years ago, an accusation that almost prevented him from taking the bench of the highest court in the land. Many things were notable about the hearings where the accusations were revealed, but perhaps the most memorable was learning that Clarence Thomas harassed Anita Hill by asking, "Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?" I think we can all agree that Clarence Thomas is the worst. Ew. EW.
Oh, Anthony Weiner. Your sex scandal just won't go away. Because it was so perfect. There were so many visuals! And your name. Your name! But anyway, I'm sorry to have to say it, but your move of sending dick pics to random twitter followers is one of the worst pick-up moves of all time. Because, what a cliché. Terrible. You're awful. All of these men are awful. Politics is a dirty business, you guys, even without politicians asking people to rub their tumors. Gross.
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